I feel like I have screwed myself over a bit

I am from the Midwest, where we cannot handle talking about severe mental issues well. As a result of this, I have downplayed and went through significant draining effort to hide my symptoms from others on top of the symptoms themselves. I did this with a 33 on the Y-BOCS test (yes I took it myself but I aired on the side of downplaying the symptoms when taking the test). I did not seek therapy except for once when I got a therapist, and I told her my symptoms on the first visit, and then I went right back to downplaying even to my therapist. I would say/indicate that I was feeling good or much better when that was in fact not true. I don't have severe OCD anymore, but I look back on how severe I was (like one specific 2-3 month epidode that included my 17 hour day of googling, when I significantly fell back in school because I spent class time googling, when I was super late to work because I was googling, when I lost 5-10 pounds in a matter of weeks from the anxiety, when I would sneak off the bathroom many times a day for the 2-3 months to Google, when I would spend all of my non googling and non working time doing mental compulsions). In all of this, my brain refused to let me label myself as broken or in need of repair or help. I never let myself fully understand that what I was going through was actually difficult and not just am everyday issue. As a result, I shut myself out from the help that I needed. I still notice myself doing this in front of this girl who I have strong feelings for. I act super put together, which I almost am, but as of late I get a bit irritated at myself for bounding myself to this cage that I made for myself. Obviously, I show my real personality to her, but I feel like I am always looking my own shoulder judging myself on concealing what I deal with. The other part of this story is that from what I understand, this girl has quite the history with mental health problems. I cannot tell what to do. My real personality is an extrovert and I really enjoy talking to her, but I find myself seemingly hiding certain details about my mental health subliminally and I am not a big fan of the fact that I do that

floatingalien

Date posted: Yesterday

It is completely understandable to feel frustrated. You built an exhausting defense mechanism to protect yourself from stigma, and now that same reflex is blocking the genuine, vulnerable connection you want to build with someone you care about. Breaking out of this "cage" requires a shift in how you view your mental health and how you approach relationships. For years before my recent diagnosis, I was secretly struggling with severe mental health issues, completely isolating myself from friends and family. About two years ago, I found a replacement ritual that I thought was the only way to keep my mind at bay and feel semi normal. Instead, I became entirely dependent on it having to do it at the exact same time every night or whenever a new intrusive thought appeared, otherwise spinning into a total panic and soon these tiny mental compulsions became worse and worse and soon slowly became semi physical. I kept up this grueling, draining effort to hide my symptoms and act perfectly put together, until recently, I’ve done this compulsion so much my brain started rejecting it sometimes and I’d even completely forget something I’d do literally in seconds and ended up doing it over and over and eventually when trying the ritual at a bad time completely woke me up to the fact that I was still not well and intact getting worse. Now I am suffering through a real event and it’s been horrible. This is ultimately what scared me enough to open up to my family and friends and get help. Your refusal to label yourself as "broken" was a survival mechanism, but it does not mean you have to be stoic forever. Allowing yourself to have a condition does not make you weak. Since she has a background with mental health problems, she is likely capable of deep empathy and understanding. Opening up to her, even in small increments, could remove the "shadow judging yourself" feeling you experience. Good luck and best wishes!

JS55555

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you very much and I'm sorry about what you are going through. I also had an experience similar to what you are describing. I convinced myself a few yeats ago that if I knocked 3 times then it would remove any obsession. It worked... until it didn't. It quickly became 9 times, then 27. I then had a full "relapse" back to square one a few months later. It is also hard to convey to people how bad OCD is, I find. It is hard for others to understand that something relatively mundane can terrify us and that it is the mechanism that is broken in our brains that is the disorder and the content of the thoughts really doesn't matter as much as it seems. I have found that in recent weeks, being more open about the disorder has helped me manage it better. I think part of my mental block is my ocd saying that accepting that I have a severe mental problem is an insult or a disrespect to what it tries to tell me are "real" mental problems. It is so weird. Like I have a disorder that is consistently ranked as one of the most severe and disabling disorders and the same part of my brain that drives me insane (and I mean that literally) and takes every opportunity it can get to ruin my life also sees someone with addiction or trauma of some sort and tells me "you better be glad that youre healthy and don't have something bad like that or else you are disrespecting that condition" OCD is cruel

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