I can't bring myself to disclose that I have ocd

There is this girl who I have strong feelings for and I believe that she has feelings for me based on a mountain of evidence, including people around me who were with us saying that she definitely has feelings for me. The thing is that she had a rough upbringing and definitely has some trauma from that. Some things that she has said even make me wonder if she has ocd herself. I found a poem that she wrote that sounded quite framiliar, saying that she goes through a cycle of fear and relief, that she loves love but fears it, and a really specific instance of what sounds like social OCD. Though the hints are not definitely ocd, they do raise questions. I noticed that sometimes she wanted to talk to me and sometimes she didnt--mostly when I would ask her a question over text that involved her opinion or how she was feeling (not about romantic feelings--just about her mood). I finally told her I had feelings for her months ago and she responded in about 14 hours basically saying that she wasn't okay and that she was sure that the right person for me will come. The thing is I act so put together around her. It is an instinct. I definately show my true personality, but I act as perfect as possible, and I am beginning to really dislike that about myself. I have ocd and I used to have severe OCD, to the point of consuming most of my life. I still have broken ocd reactions to things that really should not matter to me. I had a moderate OCD attack while I was with her last night (I didn't engage in intentional compulsions though). But yet I still hide it and try to act perfect. So I guess what I am saying is that if a relationship truely brings her distress and not being with me is better for her in the long term or she just doesn't want to be with me in general, I will accept that. I really do just want what is best for her. However if she is afraid that I won't understand her true self or she is afraid of bringing me down, I really wish I could let her know that I have had severe mental illness and even though I am fine now mostly, that was very much not the case even just 8 months ago and I would rather be with someone who understands significant mental problems (to be clear I absolutely hate the fact that she seems quite obviously to be struggling. It tears at me. I just mean that it is better for me to be with someone who also struggles as long as struggle exists in this world so I am with someone who I can relate to), because as I have been recognizing to myself just how severe my ocd was and removing the denial that I had (like I had OCD so bad that I should have at least looked into IOP or maybe even PHP), I am getting more and more tired of acting okay. I also just really just wish that I could help her, no matter how. I wish she would open up to me about her issues fully at least as friends. I only found that poem when I looked up her name during an OCD attack a year ago before I was recovered like I am now. I really just want to help her because as I have recovered from OCD, I have a lot of good advice and understanding that I give to other people often, and they tell me that it really helped them. I am sorry that I am rambling so much. I am partially just typing this in hopes that I can get this energy out of my system and maybe enjoy my day, but the core question of this post still stands; I cannot figure out how to not pretend to be perfect. I mean I can and I have been doing it around other people recently, but I also can't just say that I have ocd randomly because that would be weird. I just wish I could give her the knowledge that I am not the normal, perfectly happy and put together person that I appear to be, and I have not just had little normal rough patches--I live with a severe mental disorder that I have tamed. I think my ocd is still telling me that I will ruin this if I don't act perfect, and I cannot figure out any way to bring OCD up in conversation that doesn't sound weird. I wish I could let her know about my severe mental disorder somehow and let her do with that information what she wishes.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16h

It sounds like you’re really trying to control everything because you care. You can’t fix her or her background but you can give her the opportunity to be in a loving, understanding and safe relationship with you by asking her out. I find myself trying to do the same things in my relationships (be the therapist, the fixer, the hero) and it’s not fair to the other person. Most of the time the other person just wants a witness to their struggle and a loving place to be their honest selves. I dunno - I hope that helps.

JS55555

Date posted: 16h

Thanks! Maybe I am focusing too much on removing her fears. I really don't care if I specifically am a hero or not, but I just want her to feel at the very least a bit better. She is such a sweet person and I really just hate the fact that she is going through a tough time and if anything (done by me or anyone else) could make her feel better, I would absolutely love that. That is a good point about just understanding her. I can definitely see that being what she needs. I just can't bring myself to allow myself to show that I understand despite really wanting to. I grew up putting up extreme walls to hide this disorder from others, and it has been very difficult to just remove them at once because there are so many.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14h

@JS55555 Yeah I understand. I want the same thing too for my loved ones. But listening and holding space for them (especially while they’re struggling) is all we can do in a healthy way. You don’t have to share you struggles to help her feel like hers are seen by you, ya know? If we try to fix it we’re not respecting their life choices and autonomy. At least that’s what I’ve found - the more I try to “help” or “fix it” or “say the right thing” the more I’ve made my loved ones feel judged and like they need to pull away from me to work through tough times. Sorry for the lecture. I’ve been working on this same thing so it helps to write it out. 😅

JS55555

Date posted: 7h

@Honeyshark Completely understand--I do a lot of thinking out loud on this app myself. I can honestly say that I accept and embrace who she truely is to the fullest extent including her struggles and really just want her to open up to me so I can be of comfort and show her that it is okay to not be okay. I know what it is like to have a bunch of external pressure to get better and I appreciate your reminder so I don't cause that for someone else. The only reasons for why I know at least some of the extent of what she is struggling with is because I found the poem she wrote, can infer body language very well, and I know a small amount about her upbringing. She doesn't know that I know at least that extent of what she is going through except for the two words she used in the text. I really hope she has at least someone understanding and open to talk to currently. I don't know if she does. But I really appreciate what you said. That is a great reminder and definitely a trend that I could definitely take with the nature of this disorder and my fear of horrible things happening in any situation, but will be very intentional to not do that now. And though it is great that you are working against personal tendencies to better support your loved ones, I think it is important to not beat yourself up because either way you really care and that is a great thing :)

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6h

@JS55555 Aw thank you! I think it’s a good thing we care so much.

JS55555

Date posted: 6h

@Honeyshark You're welcome and thank you for your input! Even though it can be difficult I definitely agree. I hope that you and the people you care about are doing well or at least comforted in some way

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