Do you ever become ok with not knowing

I know that the whole point of treatmeant is to learn to tolerate uncertainty but it feels so heavy. I'm the kind of person who puts a lot of value on knowing myself deeply and I've always been very introspective and have had a very strong sense of self, I love getting to know myself and I get a lot of peace from knowing who I am and from being connected to myself. I've kind of figured out lately that my core fear is tied to the idea of living a meaningful authentic life so it makes sense why I put so much effort into knowing who I am. I have soocd and my symptoms are not as bad as they used to be but this feeling of not knowing for sure who I am in this area of my life feels so heavy to carry and is so persistent. Any other feeling may go away, the anxiety, the sadness, but this one never does. And I really don't wanna live my whole life like this, with this weight om my chest. I try to let it be and to tell myself it will sort itself out but it's so hard. I see other people who are very relaxed and carefree and happy with their lives and I think that its because they know themselves and that I would be happy too if I didn't have such big questions about who I am. I get so envious that others go through life knowing exactly who they are and what they want and that they can actually put their mental energy in day to day things instead of these big questions. I think that maybe this fear that I'll carry the heaviness of not knowing is another way ocd is trying to get me to review the thoughts so I try not to listen to it but I can't see how I'll ever feel ok without knowing every single thing about myself, especially such a big thing.

jade20056

Date posted: 20h

The weird part is for me I also thought this way but over time when you use the who knows mentality with the ocd it goes away for longer or is less hard so you have more time to know yourself and be certain about stuff, for example I only do the mental uncertainty when I feel ocd is coming back, and then it goes away after a bit and then I'm back to normal? Does that make sense, I even was able to have moments of feeling like ocd wasn't existent in me during the few days it was bad again, and I was able to be certain about my bestie and grounded and then ofc you have to be uncertain during intrusive thoughts but for me it's way easier now and there's a difference it's easy to tell what I'm doing for therapy and what's real

jade20056

Date posted: 20h

I also use the nonchalant thing of not reacting as much as possible to the thoughts and letting the feelings wash over and go away normalizing helps a lot cause if it doesn't feel urgent they don't come back as much

anca

Date posted: 20h

I know what you mean, I think I was probably in this episode for so long that now I can't really tell what comes from me even in the quiet moments

no more running

Date posted: 18h

If you're asking that out of fear to get a relief, the answer is "maybe you will, maybe you won't be okay with it." I would even sarcastically add "I wish I just remain in this mental chaos state forever it's so fun!" But yeah it is possible. Because not knowing becomes a potential for exciting things. You can become curious when facing uncertainty rather than being afraid. It takes time. But I think it's possible😊

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 15h

If it’s of any consolation, I don’t really think anyone knows themselves more than we do. The difference between those with OCD and those without is we extrapolate meaning from any perceived uncertainty we have. I was talking to my therapist today about this, just saying how I want these thoughts to stop because they feel so real and don’t leave often. Because even though I am not really panicking about them now, I don’t like that the thoughts exist. I also don’t think any amount of experimentation will offer proof at this point, though, and will likely just confuse me further. I am trying to be content existing in a gray space, because that makes me more comfortable than any alternative right now.

anca

Date posted: 15h

I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing but I feel better knowing I'm not alone in this 😭 I used to think I was the only person who experiences soocd like this

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 14h

@anca OCD does a great job of making us all feel like our situation is different, which can be true! But I also think we all have a lot more in common than not. Habituating to the thoughts is super normal. I’m sorry you’re going through it too, though. It really sucks. I’d give anything to go back to a year ago when I was curious about my sexuality, did some research and decided “nah, not for me” and moved on. But sexuality is so nuanced, and I think that’s why our brains love to attach themselves to it.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond