Free Will and Death OCD

I'm truly sorry you are in so much pain. It is also a powerful struggle to comprehend that there is so much pain in the world. I am a structural engineer, and understand the cold logic you are experiencing. It is my job to rely on testing statistical data, even about the brains and bodies we find ourselves in, to do my chosen work. Here is a quote that opens my heart to great joy. Joy that defeats suffering. "There is a connection between heaven and earth. Finding that connection gives meaning to everything, including death. Missing it makes everything meaningless, including life." The scientific method is a powerful and brutal method that helps see the data we CAN control. It is plain to see that if we are more intelligent than other creatures on the planet then there must be creatures vastly more intelligent than us as a species. Tell me how we could hope to apply our methods to understand them if they don't want us to? I point this out as a flaw in choosing to assume that the data we can collect is complete enough to make final conclusions about the meaning of life. If there is such a fundamental flaw in assuming our knowledge (let alone our interpretation thereof) can be an all powerful seive, then why trust such a nihilistic causal absolutism? You see, there is a possibility, even a good and unassailable one that there is greater meaning than just pain and death or the avoidance of those two facts of this experience of life. Conscious experience and the ability to appreciate the weight of beauty, or pain are self evident refutations of non free will. The assumption is that because we gain understanding using cold examination of unfeeling machinqtions that everything is made of that same cold consequence. It is as ridiculous as assuming because microscopes help us see that everything is somehow a microscope. Must everything we see, actually be, in whole and without any exception, mere Rube Goldberg Machines (forgive spelling errors). What, I ask you, is doing all the seeing and experiencing of the meat sack signals? There is an observer inside your meat sack that is the absolute YOU that experiences the complex network of synaptic data accumulation, compilation and processing that meat gives you.

Hi there! I think that your feelings are quite possibly the beginning of a faith journey. Maybe God is calling out to you to say that there is more to life than what meets the eye. Many great philosophers have struggled with the same exact points that you bring up! Also, in the Bible, there is the notion of free will in that we can all choose whether or not we sin or not, but that life on this earth is just a blip and that we should be living for eternity. For me, listening to biblical messages and reading the Bible helps to guide me. I hope this helps you some! 🙏🙏