So fucking stressed

It’s really hard for me to get out my thoughts clearly right now, but I’ll try my best. So I’m in this summer camp program at FSU in Tallahassee called the Young Scholars Program, where we take college level stem courses (as 11-12th grade high school students), and I have so many things going on that are just tearing me apart mentally. Firstly, I’m having such a hard time staying on track with all the work because of ADHD and anxiety, and it’s so much worse because, while I get extended time for stuff in school, the deadlines here are so tight (it’s a 6 week program). I feel like a fucking failure because I can’t keep up with everyone else, and people only make me feel worse about it with the way they talk to me. It’s not even for a grade, but it still hurts because these people act so serious about it and criticize me and make me suffer. Today, my “friend,” who I only became friends with because we’re both kind of weird and stuff, really pissed me off because I said I didn’t know what we’re doing in the biology class, and she said “of course” with an annoyed tone. Every day since the second or third week, she’s been talking so selfishly about how MY DISABILITY affects her externally, and not how it affects me. This especially makes me feel worse about myself in group projects, where I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I’ve already explained to her how ADHD affects me, and she has decent background knowledge of it too, but she has like ZERO emotional intelligence or empathy, I swear. Secondly, I keep getting crippling fucking anxiety, and because of OCD it’s so much different and more difficult than any other peoples anxiety if they have, and no one understands how my brain works. I keep feeling like everyone hates or is judging me in some way, and it’s different from social anxiety because I’m more afraid of people I know personally than strangers. My mind keeps racing with so many thoughts it’s exhausting, I don’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes I question how I got accepted to this program and if I even deserve to be here. It makes me want to fucking kill myself. And I know I shouldn’t because half the time I’m also afraid of death, which only makes me feel more guilty because of how so fucking aware I am of everything and my life feels like a fucking joke just to torture me and suffer. Third, I keep feeling like I’m in the wrong body, and I keep getting gender dysphoria, and I get jealous looking at girls bodies and feel disgusting in my male body. I keep feeling disgusted by sexual urges, and I hate having a fucking penis and wish my pelvis was wider and wish I could wear feminine clothes or something. This keeps bothering me so much, and it’s making me feel more anxious and depressed. I feel so burdened because I know why and how everything works, I know it’s not my fault, I know it takes time, etc etc… but no matter what I just can’t do better, and I hate suffering now, and why the hell should everything matter and nothing matter at the same time??? What is this life??? It’s like it cycles between good and bad just to keep me alive and suffering when happiness is just an illusion to not want to die. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry