My hiding of ocd is really catching up with me

Hello everyone, over the past few months, I have been realizing how much I have screwed myself over by trying to pretend like I don't have a disorder. I am going to be moving and I might actually check myself in for therapy for my almost inevitable spike in OCD anxiety during that. Anyways, I have been trying to let myself realize that the weeks I spent on the couch trying to distract myself obsessively all day on my phone while terrified, the days of almost nonstop googling (one day I did it for 16 hours, my falling behind in school because I was doing googling compulsions instead of homework, the times I would sneak off into the bathroom at work, school, vacation, etc for 30 minute chunks and have at least small panic attacks and google, the 10 pounds I lost in a matter of weeks because of stress, when I didn't feel peace for months, and so much more were not normal. I took the Y-BOCS test online and even while underreporting my very symptoms slightly, I got a 32 which put me in the most severe category possible. The thing is I can't seem to fully allow myself to believe that I had it severely. I went to the office where I was in therapy for a bit. Back then, I got up the courage to go to therapy, but once I got there, I was only able to tell them some of my issues that felt less scary to tall about. I severely underreported. I also hated feeling broken, and I would always significantly downplay the effect of the disorder on my life. I just looked at my chart, and even though I know that I heavily downplayed my symptoms so much there, I saw my chart say that my symptoms were moderate and I can't get that out of my head. It is not like I want to have this disorder. I hate it, but it would be nice to see on paper some professional validation that I'm not just overreacting. That is not to say that moderate ocd isn't bat either. When my symptoms were lower I hated it as well. I just would like to see some external professional validation that the times that I became quite dysfunctional were not without reason. I know that not having this is my doing though because I hid it.