I’m a 21 year old guy soon to be 22 and I am still a virgin. I talk to a lot of girls and I think some like me but I’ve never even held their hand or kissed them. Am I a loser? I go to college, get good grades and run collegiate cross country, and have a great family but I still feel like I am a failure. Any advice?
Do your best to figure out what intimate relationships mean for YOU, not whatever society tells you what it should mean in the form of stereotypes, goals, or milestones that you may see others place in the world. You'd be surprised just how many people, including myself are in the same boat as you. This is not a sign of failure no matter how much it feels like it is. I'm still trying to tell myself the same thing. This stuff doesn't actually just happen, it can take a decent amount of time figuring out what it is you really want out of this, how it works for you, and what it means to you. Not whatever someone tells you what all this stuff should be. Talking to women is a start for sure, but try to keep a positive, non judgemental outlook on it all too. Heck, you can even try to just be friends at first and then tell them how you really can after a while. Maybe don't head into this thinking about sex being the main goal. It's ONE of the goals but not the main one. Maybe just having a connection is the main goal. Only way to know if through trying, man. Don't give up
You’re not a loser. I assure you sex is less of a big deal than you think. It will happen.
I work with people around your age and I was shocked that most of them say the same thing, many people your age are virgins too. I’m not sure why it’s more common than when I was 22… maybe it’s the internet or the effect of covid but you’re definitely not alone. I’ll also add that not having sex doesn’t have to mean you’re not sexual. If you’re connected to yourself, if you’re comfortable in your own skin, in touch with what you like, what makes you feel erotic and turned on - then when the time comes that you click with someone, you’ll exude that confidence and it’ll be a huge turn on.
I did not lose my virginity until I was in my 20s. And I felt those feelings. Is there something wrong with me because I haven’t found anyone I want to date? All I can say is that eventually I found someone to just lose it to and then moved on. Eventually, you will too. And even if you lose your virginity, there will be dry spells. Try to remember you aren’t a loser. It’ll happen
I'm 41 and have never been on a date. I struggled more with that fact in my early-mids 30s. Chances are it will happen for you, but if it doesn't, it's not as bad as you think. If it's not important who you lose (I don't like that term) it to, you could probably make it happen. I suspect the quality of the relationship is important to you in which case that individual will accept you as you are.
@Ben84 Everyone should live their lives as they see fit - zero rules as long as you aren’t hurting anyone and you are being true to yourself
Since you’re 21, I feel comfortable enough to share this. I’m also a guy in my 20s. I felt no shame about it. In fact, Im glad I waited. It was never a confidence issue. I had the opportunity to lose it a couple of times prior to finally having my first experience. Although I was offered, I either did not feel a connection or respect them enough until I found somebody I found attractive and admirable. So long as everything is consensual between you and another adult, you’re safe to practice with as many or little people you like. Be confident and self compassionate. Just be safe, enjoy your self and consider your partner. Whatever you are comfortable with. If you’re not ready either, that’s entirely fine. Besides, there’s much more to life than that. Continue focusing on your education and family life. You’ll be just fine.
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