How is it possible to be so bad and not realize?

How did it take until I was almost 21 years old for everything in my life to catch up to me and start beating me down. I have too many awful Real Events, both from my younger years and my few adult ones. I have so many false memories that I'm slowly becoming convinced we're the truth that I just gaslit myself into not believing. I have watched so many morally wrong things online and am enraged that it took me so long for it to click. I have so many horrible thoughts and feelings that some of them have to be true. I'm probably the kind of person that ends up getting locked away and then a documentary made out of them. It doesn't matter that I care when I'm this disgusting and horrible. It just cancels itself out.

Booknerd7

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi, I’m really sorry you have come to that realization, but it is also a good thing. Those who truly don’t care about their actions do not self reflect. I’m not sure if you are a religious person but I do encourage you to pray to God and ask for forgiveness. The Bible is true, and in it there is the answer to our deep regret over our sins. Jesus came to the world to save sinners, He died on the cross to absolve them of the punishment for their sin and for them to be reconciled in peace to God! It’s really good news because if you have noticed, all humans do terrible things. “”If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”. 1st John 1:9 This is a verse filled with hope! God will forgive us and show mercy to us if we ask for forgiveness and repent. Some may ask, why is it fair that God forgives people who’ve done terrible things? But that question is not true. We’ve ALL done things we deeply regret. Yet, God still offers grace. I’ll be praying for you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 18h

I'm new to OCD; I haven't even had a diagnosis yet, but what you're saying hits home. I don't think you're a bad person at all, we can do bad things but that doesn't make us bad and your thoughts don't define you. Trigger warning but I spent many years of my childhood groomed by my father and men online. I remember being consumed by the nastiest things online and not seeing the problems with it until one day when I was 19 it clicked as you say. I regret so many deeply troubling things from that time, and I've spent literal years shaming myself tearing myself up and just flat out hating myself. Lately I've begun to realise I'm not my thoughts and I'm not my actions, I accept them when they come to me and try to let them slip away. I know it's hard when you think back on things that you've done that you see as morally wrong now, but what's important is your moral compass is alive and intact. These thoughts aren't you, a bad person would revel and take delight. We all make mistakes and at the end of the day we still deserve love and compassion, especially from ourselves. My friend the fact that you are here tells me all I need to know. I hope you find the help you deserve and I hope you can heal and love yourself. OCD is not you past wrongs don't define you. And if no one is around to tell you, you are important and you deserve a happy life.

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