Starting to feel more trans than bigender

Just venting. Lately I’ve been feeling more depressed specifically because of gender dysphoria (most significantly about my body). I usually refer to myself as bigender, because I definitely still enjoy having some masculine elements, but it’s been getting so severe that I feel like gender-affirming surgery might be necessary. Although I do sometimes enjoy the pleasures of male sexual stimulation, I usually feel disgusted on myself for it, and I can’t stop thinking about how uncomfortable my genitalia feel all the time (which may likely be due to somatic OCD). Then I start getting imposter syndrome (which I do realize is normal, but it still feels very real), but then I remember some internal signs from when I was younger for how I felt about my gender. When I imagine myself and how I should look on camera and in the mirror, I see both a boy and a girl, although none of them look like me. The boy version is cool and emo-ish. The girl version is chill and cozy. I feel like it would be best for me to transition my body so that I can express both genders like some kind of trans tomboy. I always think about how unfair it is that girls can look normal in boy clothes, but boys look weird in girl clothes. So if I was born in a female body, my perspective of my gender would be slightly different even though I would definitely still be lgbtq. I know that it’s perfectly fine to not fully know/understand one’s gender yet, but OCD really makes me feel so much like I need to be certain about it, labels help me so much. I’m at a stage where I accept that I know I’m lgbtq, but at the same time it feels so embarrassing, and I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m too different to be normal, but also not different enough for the weirdos. It feels like I don’t even fit in with literal misfits. Everyone makes me anxious, and I don’t know who to trust. What are your thoughts?