Am I terrible? Need opinions and truthfulness!!

I have not been diagnosed with OCD ⁃ Thinking a bad thought or bring it up to get reassurance and be told I am a good person. ⁃ Feel like I need to guilt myself into reading my Bible and talking to God ⁃ I get anxious, guilty, remorseful but not all the time ⁃ Anything that has a double meaning I like zone out and make sexual does not happen all the time I am able to look past it or just not hone in on it which makes me feel it’s all me ⁃ I was genuinely excited and am excited to go to Church, but I guess my mind guilts me or if I say vocally I’m excited it makes my mind crazy or it might just be me. I look to ahead of things and it goes back to the lustful thoughts or conjures up new ones ⁃ I speak blasphemous thoughts in my mind and it does not faze me at all I am able to move on clearly. I conjured them up or sometimes I fix the thought vocally. ⁃ Sometimes I have motivation and do care about the thoughts whether I conjure them up or not sometimes I don’t. - sometimes I can stay so focused and be fine and feel I am in control and sometimes I think I fully am in control of my thoughts cause I feel my mind working and feel myself zoning in - doubts about Jesus and His story as I’m reading the Bible - thinking of a song that has a sexual part honed in on it because I use to think of a sexual image of myself and then was trying to remember it of it being myself and it was a sexual one of my sister which I knew it would turn out to be - - I also know I can easily pass by things said on tv or something but I continuously respond to it being like “no lol” with anything associated with a bad thought so I don’t think the bad thought or so my brain doesn’t glitch, but I know when I do respond vocally the bad thought will appear and then I usually will feel guilty or sometimes I won’t and will look past it - I also do like oh I can think this terrible thing about people with sicknesses and God won’t punish me and I can live my life - afraid cause I feel like I can easily walk away but then I fear that these thoughts were simply just me all along and then I will get scared to live happily all over again so I feel I have to stick in the loop or else I will also have no reason to go and live for God, but when I am peaceful I feel I loose sight of God