I’m so sad I have no idea what to do now

If you have the time I’d really appreciate any words. I’m sorry for how long it is! I just saw my ex for the first time in a little while. Lots of emotions, crying, and a LOT of OCD guilt and intrusive thoughts about guys in the middle of us talking. It was a mess. He was angry, I was too. I kept imagining my coworkers and wondering if I liked them or a different guy or whatever, and my ex was like I don’t care!!! and then suddenly he flipped the script… we sat there for a while and he started to tell me how much he still loved me. how he didn’t know what to do next. and I said my biggest fear was me finally getting better (our relationship ended due to my ROCD), and him being gone… and he kept saying he’s not going anywhere- not a guarantee wait-five-years for me kind of thing, but that he has nowhere to go. After a crazy breakdown and that whole situation, he grabbed some of the stuff he had gotten me for my birthday next week. he had gotten me something really nice and special to me and it was so sad. he hugged me a million times. we kissed, I cried, we laughed. I was extremely sad and still spiraling and I am currently, but his words constantly saying he loves me and agreeing that this doesn’t exactly feel over are running through my mind. Does he mean that?? I think he does but what if he just decides to leave before I get things figured out? What if my OCD attaches to someone new or I get feelings for someone else again?? I’m so frustrated and sad and I miss him but idk how to feel about him but I pray he waits for me to at least figure out how I feel and I got a glimmer of hope that I’m scared to keep. I’m just mostly scared my OCD will make me attached to a new guy/I’ll get feelings for someone I don’t want and it hinders my chance at every being with him or being able to love just him. And no, I don’t think crushes are okay during relationships. He also followed a girl I didn’t want him to after and when I said are you gonna get with her?? he was like yea probably! and I got frustrated and he was like no, I’m just being mean. I wanted to catch up with her and I’m not interested in being one of her guys. But it adds another variable. What if I like someone else? What if he does? What if he gets with her? What if I don’t get better fast enough and he finds someone else? The spiral is just adding more curves

jbird08

Date posted: Yesterday

i’ve been in situations similar to this so i know what i’m about to say is a lot easier said than done and is something i need to work on myself. but, us mental health people NEED to put our healings/feelings first. the more we focus on other people and how their feeling the more it takes away from trying to heal ourselves and our emotions. the more we focus on how soon we can be better the more it will delay it because we’re just trying to speed up the process and our brain doesn’t work that way. if you’re already worried about the relationship and you’re not in it yet i personally don’t think that’s a good thing. but on the other hand, the heart wants what it wants. and honestly, if he really did care and love you he would understand that you need time and space to get better and he will actually wait for you. but don’t be stuck up on him waiting because if he doesn’t that’ll only make your mental worse.

berry blue

Date posted: Yesterday

@jbird08 Thank you for this. The hard part is, he completely understands that I need space and believes in me getting better, that’s why he keeps saying he’s not going to be “gone” once I’m better. We dated for like 8 months before this. I’m just scared from OCD, I woke up today wondering if I like anyone else and panicking and that’s kinda a huge part of it that idk how to recover from

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