Night thoughts in a summary/I feel empty

I grew up too quickly, and I was too passive so that led to easy access of being taken advantage of by other individuals my age. But also made me hurt others and make bad decisions due to the fact I was too scared to say "no." Due to the hypersexuality at a young age and what others perceived of me, my perspective of my sexuality and identity was a blur.. and now that I'm aware of who I am, it doesn't feel any better since I still don't feel in touch with my femininity or my sexuality due to my past. I even cut my hair off recently and I've felt pretty, but my mind tells me I'm even less of a girl now. (Flashbacks to past events because of that as well.) I hate how I used to act during certain stages, how edgy, how vulgar but so vulnerable all at the same time, how I've said some problematic things without understanding the gravity of it, my younger self is DEAD to me that even when I thrive to be so kind and love myself it feels such a lie? I feel unlovable and I sob every week because of it. I feel so jealous when everyone around me talks about their nerdy and awkward childhoods while I can't talk about mind since it was all vulgar and mature. It feels more painful when they either already know or if it's people/family who assume I was just a childish and hyper girl. & It's worse knowing I have a healthy family environment with older figures who have had conversations of safety and in topics related, and I just agreed while breaking every single rule of it. They all see me as an innocent person as well which in a way, hurts more knowing that I'm not. Same sentiment goes with others saying that I'm "sweet, smart, put together, etc.." It doesn't flatter me since I instead see myself as a monster. Now my OCD and it's subtypes all feel like a cycle of punishment. And I'm just supposed to "move on"? I can't even move on, and it'll be reminded again when school starts again and I see certain faces.. thank goodness it's the last year and I hope that I never see the building nor anyone there again after it. Is that too harsh? I feel awful for saying that.