How do I deal with this?? Is it even OCD???

You aren’t going to solve the what if. Maybe you have feelings maybe you don’t. And the guilt? You have to live with it and not examine it and just let it be there while you keep going with you life. You have to put in the work at resisting compulsions

Things will get better, even if it’s small progress- it’s still progress. My therapist is helping me with exposure therapy homework and to summarize it - I need to process life events and challenges in a normal way (not spiraling and obsessively thinking about said event for hours or days) to help myself process, I need to NOT THINK ABOUT IT (specifically said event). I need to feel my body and try to distract my thoughts from thinking or internally speaking about it in order to help the ocd. Break the cycle. It was so extremely hard my first few times trying but it WAS still progressing at the end of the day even if it was 1 second to 3 seconds without the thought. Now I can almost see this exposure therapy as a feeling of meditation because when I’m trying to not think about it, I don’t know what to think about and my mind will be blank for a short period of time and it feels so very good. It is truly relieving. I wish you the best, be kind to yourself, maybe have some healthy distractions. Do what brings you back to center, whether that be a form of art or music or activity. Sending love ❤️

Talk to a therapist. I promise maybe this person will or won’t come back in your life but I promise that things get better when you talk to a therapist who specializes in OCD. The compulsion here was confessing the crushes. I used to share all my thoughts with loved ones and it pushed them away the best thing you can do is to trust yourself and talk to someone who understands it from the outside where here it would be a therapist. My husband still doesn’t get it and in fact when I shared something with him recently he questioned it like it was a real thing and I am like wow if I start trying to explain myself to him I will regress and to be honest for the sake of our relationship we don’t need to go down that road and I trust the process cause it’s worked for years. ERP is hard you might not see a difference now, you might not get to experience the benefits of doing the work with this particular person but guess what? You’ll do it for you :)

i also get intrusive thoughts about crushes on people i’m not actually into. but intrusive thoughts are just that, intruding on your daily life by getting you hung up on the worst things. i try and look underneath those obsessions and it centers me to remember that it’s a lie made up by ocd. i hope this love works out for you, the truest love will make room to understand.