I need to vent to you all. So yesterday was my 18th birthday and I was so happy but my family ruined it and made it the worst day ever for me. We all ended up getting into a huge fight because my family won’t allow me to get a job, have my license, my ID card, won’t let me get doctors checkups bc they refused to get me healthcare and I haven’t had it for a few years now, yesterday I was planning on getting my piercing and because I look younger than 18 obviously they asked for my ID but the problem is my family will NOT allow me to have one. So, the guy told my grandma that was with me that she could sign the paper but guess what? She flat out said no with an attitude and got all fussy over just signing a paper. So that ticked me off because I’m never allowed to do anything.. not allowed to have friends tje only friends I have are online and they don’t know about them because if they did omg I would be DEAD, they are always putting me down about anything I do, if I accomplish something that I’m proud of like my weight loss for example it’s like they get all jealous of me and get an attitude about it like they can’t be happy for anyone else but themselves. They literally cussed me out behind my back yesterday and I only know they did because my cousin told me, they called me a liar when I told the TRUTH and of course everyone believed them because they ALWAYS pull this crying act to make people feel sorry for them. I told them “you ruined my birthday” and they said “how did I ruin your birthday? What did I do? I never do anything you know I love you” just trying to guilt trip me but I didn’t buy into any of their bs last night. I sat outside for about three hours in the cold because I was terrified of my dad. My dad is very aggressive and so are my brothers so I’m extremely scared of being around them. I had two breakdowns yesterday. I couldn’t enjoy my day at all. Every time I am around them my energy gets so drained. I feel dead around them. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells. They have ruined so much for me. They’ve ruined things that could have been the best for me, they ruined my happiness, they ruined my self esteem, they have isolated me, they made me not trust anyone and made it seem like I could only trust them for the longest time, they have ruined my life. They ruined my mental health. I’m always so stressed around them. When no one is home I feel so free and like myself but then when they are home I isolate myself in my small squAre room afraid to leave it because I don’t want to interact with them. I don’t have contact with my mom because my mom has nothing to do with my either and I don’t know any of her side of the family and I absolutely HATE my dads side of the family because they are all the same. I just game off of medication and I was so happy but now bc of yesterday and being under high stress My ocd thoughts have been terrible today. I keep thinking everyone hates me including my amazing partner and friends. I keep thinking of all these “what if this, what if that” thoughts and it’s so terrifying. I’ve had to relearn everything because I used to act like them because their behavior was all I grew to know so I thought it was perfectly okay to treat others the same but hard reality hit me and I had a breakdown when I realized what I had become. A monster. All I’ve ever wanted to do was spread love and happiness to others because I know how it feels to be hurt and I never in a million years wanted to treat someone in the same controlling, manipulative, jealous behavior that my family has put me through but I did. I was hurt and caused hurt to others without knowing it. But ive changed a lot. I’m more aware of my actions, I’ve learned how to handle my emotions and communicate better instead of holding everything in, I’m a bit more confident in myself and I’m definitely not the person I used to be. I’ve owned up to my past mistakes and can admit when I’m wrong and my friend telling me that she loves the person I am now and to forget my past self meant so much to me. But, i feel like i can’t ever have true happiness in life until I’m away from here. Luckily, a friend is going to pick me up in the next week or two so I’ll be away from here for good but it’s just Im so hurt from yesterday. I can’t stop thinking about how they ruined my special day then tried to guilt trip me and act like they did nothing wrong. I’m so so so so upset. I’m sorry this was so long but I really needed to let this off my chest.

Okay. So, for those who have seen my previous posts, you are probably well versed in what I have been going through, but I feel like venting again. 😅 So, my brother came home from the hospital (because of SI), and I'm extremely on edge from that. Bro has the F*CKING AUDACITY to mock me when I'm in pain, sigh, cry, or laugh. When he used to do that, he would smack/punch/kick/etc. me, and I got in trouble with DCFS for hitting back (1 1/2 years ago), so now I can't have kids until I'm 21 (I'll be 18 in 9 days), otherwise, they'll be taken away. I cannot laugh, joke (I'm the queen of dad jokes), cry, TALK in a silly voice, sing (my main stress relief, even if it's excruciating), or anything along the lines of expressing myself without him becoming "triggered" because it's a "boundary." I AIN'T DOING SH*T TO HIM. I MOSTLY STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND GET SNAPPED AT FOR TALKING TO >OUR< PARENTS. I don't want to go home at the end of the day, to be honest. I'm soo f*cking DONE with all this BULLSH*T!!! I overheard my dad telling my mom that he thinks my brother and I are just "faking" and "attention seeking." HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FAKE A SEIZURE??? OR MY LEG RANDOMLY CONVULSING. I DON'T F*CKING WANT BRUISES EVERYWHERE! I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN THE F*CKING >>STAIRS<<!!!! So then my OCD goes into overdrive, telling me that I'm not in pain, that I am faking everything, that there is nothing wrong with me, and to stop lying. That the memories of falling down the stairs are just fake and lies, even though I have the bruises to prove it. I don't get dizzy, I don't stumble, and I don't see stars when I CLEARLY AM. I'm so TIRED. My anxiety is going INSANE, so of course my BPD mood swings have to as well, so that's just f*cking PERFECT!! Absof*ckinglutely PERFECT. I'm tired of my body not working properly, I HATE my body. I HATE my personality because of how insanely unpredictable it causes me to be. I HATE how helpless I feel. I just want to make my family happy. I want them to love me. I don't want to be a burden anymore. 💔😢

My blood has never boiled this much than before. I genuinely wanna throw hands at someone and just scream. My parents always ignore my feelings and shit and always make me the bad one. I can let my shit out around these motherfuckers. My college plans and basically what I dreamed of is fucking destroyed. Nobody fucking understands the shit I have to deal with. It’s always on me. All the damn time. I fucking hate everyone. And whenever I try to fix myself for the better, surprise surprise, EVERYTHING ALWAYS FUCKS UP Everytime i try to vent, they never respond or never understand or it always turns back on me. My heart is beating so fucking fast. I can never enjoy anything with this shit.

LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?