someone pls respond to this and give advice

Im in a hospital for help because my spiral is so bad I can’t function. I just quit my job. There’s someone at my work I have constant thoughts about, like what will he think of what I’m wearing, will he find my interesting, etc. and I find him attractive. He’s younger and I try to seem cool around him. He’s cute, and it invokes a feeling I get around most cute guys. But I’m insanely scared that I have feelings for him?? I saw him at work today and before I was able to even process or check for OCD feelings, I was like oh it’s him ☺️ and felt a little maybe flutter??? I DONT LIKE HIM like it’s not a normal crush but I swear I do and it’s making me lose my mind because I told my ex I’m trying to fix things with that I DONT like that guy but now I think I do??? I’m so broken and scared and confused and I don’t know how to tell myself it’s OCD if I might like him. It’s like my brain chooses someone to do this with and it constantly switches off but this time it won’t let go of this guy and it’s been over a MONTH. And I can’t stop the feeling when I see him but it isn’t even like a crush feeling but it’s not a normal one and for some reason I REALLY want his attention but don’t care much about him?? And the whole “maybe you do maybe you don’t” does NOT HELP IN THE SLIGHTEST. And saying I like him sounds wrong but saying I don’t sounds wrong too and I know that once I never see him again (which starts today) I’ll forget he exists and not care. But what does it mean if I care or feel that WHEN I see him?

ben123

Date posted: Yesterday

That sounds horrible, I’m sorry. When you say maybe maybe not doesn’t help it could be that you are looking for the feelings to go away but the truth is recovery is about letting the feelings be there but keep going anyway. It sounds like you feel you must have certainty but you are never going to get that so you have to force yourself to step out of the spiral.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi there! I'm so sorry to hear you are in a hospital due to a spiral. I am very new to this community and I'm not sure how I can help but what scares you about potentially developing feelings for someone? It's ok to have an attraction for someone or just think they're really interesting but I learned that it doesn't necessarily mean I have feelings for that person.

berry blue

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I have an ex im trying to fix things with, and he’s not okay with me having crushes if we get back together (which makes sense). But I told him this coworker crush was just OCD, and after seeing him today at work it feels real. I’m just panicking and feel like I have to tell him and I know it’ll go away but I can’t wait for that to happen. I’m in very limited contact with this ex but he said he still loves me and knows I’ll get better, but what if this crush or a different one is there??

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@berry blue Crushes are involuntary. It’s the actions after attraction that we have control over. So if you aren’t flirting or trying to pursue things you aren’t doing anything wrong. If your ex doesn’t know what is involuntary vs a choice maybe they need to do some maturing before they are ready for a relationship.

berry blue

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous But I feel like I get it from his side too, I’d hate if he liked someone else while he was with me… but how do I know the difference between normal attraction/feelings and a crush? I think that’s what’s bothering me

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@berry blue How do you define normal attraction vs a crush? This way I can be on the same page. To me they are the same thing but I think you don’t view them as the same.

berry blue

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Well if attraction was the same as a crush, I’d have a crush on probably everyone? I have a LOT of very attractive coworkers and friends that I look forward to seeing or try to impress them, but don’t spend time really thinking about them/I don’t need to be around them or see them at work. I also have feelings that come with it but it can be for literally anyone.. I just don’t know

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@berry blue Have you done any exposures/ response prevention for this?

ben123

Date posted: Yesterday

@berry blue You won’t get anywhere trying to get surety. The best you can do for your ex or a future relationship is get yourself well which means not trying to figure out the impossible with urgency, not confessing, seeing anxiety as unpleasant but not dangerous.

berry blue

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I tried. I have some sort of other mental health problem that is causing an inability to do ERP therapy. I don’t know what to do besides fixating on this crush because I can’t do anything to fix it

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@berry blue If you haven’t I would suggest looking into ACT or I-CBT therapy. They are both ocd focused therapies. Maybe one of them will be a better fit for you than ERP.

ben123

Date posted: 23h

@berry blue What’s the other problem if you don’t mind me asking?

berry blue

Date posted: 23h

@ben123 suspected bipolar II, I react to SSRIs really badly and starting ERP made my symptoms get worse extremely fast. I’m sorry for all of the ranting hahah I know it sounds stupid. I start medication for bipolar II today to see if it’ll work, but I’m so focused on the potential crush/knowing I’ll see my ex soon that’s freaking me out so I can’t really focus on anything else

ben123

Date posted: 23h

@berry blue Great you are getting on medication. And I don’t know how that bipolar and OCD mix. All I can say is the only way to manage OCD on my experience is to not follow the thoughts. To accept the possibility you could be wrong. And to try and keep going. Sorry it’s a rough time.

Kim27

Date posted: 18h

@berry blue I wouldn't tell your ex. Especially since you quit your job and aren't going to see him anymore. It may mess up getting back with your ex

Kim27

Date posted: 18h

@berry blue I think you need to focus on getting better first and then address this relationship

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