Guilt and confusion

Recently, (for the past two three months) I struggle with thinking that I have cheated on my boyfriend or that I secretly want to. I also pester myself over interactions and small feelings. I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend and we’ve been together for more than half a year. I care deeply for him and I love him lots. I only want to ever have feelings for him. I never want to cheat or do any such things emotionally or physically. Some of the things that made me think I cheated on him was that I had wanted my ex to notice me because we have the same class together—just so he could see I’m better off now or wtv (I actually does not want to get back together nor care about him and he doesn’t trigger me). And I had wanted this one guy who I knew secretly like me to see me with my boyfriend (it’s like “hey look too bad I’m taken”) and even me when I’m just walking by or in the same class together. One time I was crying in class and I thought I wanted him to see it but now thinking back I don’t even know if I want that, I remember I wanted my friends to see me and comfort me. Other things is me being scared if I see someone nice or have nice conversations or just think they look nice is cheating. I’m even scared that talking to one of my friend (who is a boy) and enjoy giving him lectures on how to move on from this one girl and talking about interests is cheating (although I maintain my distance and I even mention my boyfriend with him a lot). I do have boundaries but idk why there’s this looming dread that I want to cheat or that I have cheated. Does anyone have the same problem.

shootingstar

Date posted: 18h

You’re so valid! One thing I can suggest which will be so uncomfortable is forcing yourself to briefly acknowledge these thoughts and then let it go. You can be aware of thought but not keep them in your acknowledgment. We can control what’s in our acknowledgment but not what’s in our awareness! It seems like you have a very firm grasp on your morals and OCD loves to attack the things we care so much about!

Anonymous092...

Date posted: 17h

Thank you so much for your opinion and suggestions.

ben123

Date posted: 16h

I don’t have the same story but the theme is the same - desire to confess and the feeljng of dread

cassiehasocd

Date posted: 16h

Honestly, what has helped me with this issue is taking a step back and viewing the scenarios from a third-person perspective, as if I were observing myself when I had those thoughts. If there was no action taken and it was just OCD compulsions, you can sit with it until it becomes less uncomfortable or loses its power over you. After calming down and realizing it was just OCD, try thinking of ways to combat the feeling of guilt because, in reality, there is no action to feel guilty about, and you shouldn’t punish yourself for thoughts that you yourself didn’t realize were just your disorder. easier said than done but trust most of us have/ had this issue.

Anonymous092...

Date posted: 15h

Thank you so much

Anonymous092...

Date posted: 17h

Also I notice I tend to fall in and out between a that-was-just-ocd-i-wasn't-cheating-i-did-not-even-want-to" and they are SUCHH a relief and everything feels peaceful and I feel like I did in fact not do anything wrong, and then the other side is just me completely panicking because I am convinced I did do something wrong and I am horrible. I fluctuate between these a lot. I notice the attacks usually worsen when my boyfriend is away or is not available to talk, because then I'm worried that "oh what if you want attention from someone else when he's away" and "are you going to fill your needs with someone else" even though I completely do not want to do any of it with anyone BUT my boyfriend. Is there a tip to differentiate between ocd compulsions/ unwanted thoughts and actually me being a cheater/ horrible.

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