HOCD why getting calm

Actually I don't know who I am... When I was at this stage and think about my triggers and think about to disprove it it literally felt like that this is just denial and it was me. Those triggers was like for a test I touches in real life ,,accidently,, a man's ass and I liked it, I was sad about it. Or another in real life a man pushed me down and grabbed me in a sexual way for a joke, and I felt I liked that one too. I'm so scared about it and trying to disprove it. Could that be Ocd too? Because that didn't happen in my head.

@Anonymous That was very honest of you to share and it’s appreciated for sure. I get the not knowing who you are. It is a scary place to be and with more questions than answers. The comforting thing is, it will not always be an unknown. I wouldn’t be scared of how you feel in certain situations. Perhaps try to embrace how you feel in those situations. Focus on what your body is telling you. It’s hard in some environments to be who you are, but it’s harder to regret not doing so. People will always have their opinions, that will never change. However, what you feel about yourself is of the upmost importance. It took me over 40 years to take a real look at who i was. I spent most of my life basing that off what others thought of me. I finally realized i will never know who i am that way. Through others eyes is how i fell off and made some of the worst and most hurtful decisions of my life. Those who said they have my back, were the same that had their shoe prints all over my back when i fell. I had to learn to look to myself to find who i was. It was hard and extremely uncomfortable and did not happen without severe hesitation. Had i known then what i know now, it would’ve been nice to get an earlier start on that. I was not afraid of what i would find, i just had no idea who the hell i was and who i was becoming was so far from where i wanted to be. If these interactions with men are what stirs your senses, then perhaps that’s exactly who you are, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. There may be people in your life that disagree and that’s ok, they get to feel how they feel. But what should speak to you is how you feel about you. Trying to disprove who you are at your core is impossible. Be exactly who you are because there’s nothing more beautiful than that my friend, nothing at all.

@SomeoneToMe Now I'm panicking. That interest with man was my dad dude.... So this is who I really am no I don't want to. And also people can have groinal responses and all that. And how could I focus on what my body is telling me OCD can affect that too. And also I have so much proof that I am straight. And also once when I touched my dog i got this feeling too. So couldn't this be OCD? We didn't have sex. We didn't date or something like that. The context wasn't that.

@Anonymous Ahh, i missed that entirely, my apologies. I can only imagine you reading my response with a what the hell look on your face 😲. There’s something to what you’re feeling, though it may not be what you fear. But it’s definitely worth looking into. But i can completely understand how you struggle with those feelings. That would be very difficult to know what to do with. If you have a therapist, definitely bring that up. Some times our bodies do weird shit and leave it up to us to decipher. Hardly seems fair honestly, but it’s how it goes. And absolutely OCD can affect how we perceive sensations. Working with a good therapist, like the ones here, will really help you determine what is you and what is ocd. It seems like you got ocd riddling you heavily and i know that’s exhausting. With all you can, try not to fret over it too much, just focus on getting up with a therapist and sorting it all out. Things will make sense somewhere down the line with the help of a professional, just hang in there and let the feeling pass rather than worry until you can make sense of it. I really hope that helps. It’s a hard spot to be in, but you’re not alone. Keep sharing and working through these things.

@SomeoneToMe I'm losing all hope...You thought that it's real? Can't this be HOCD? I'm really strugling and thinking that this is my destiny and feel okay with while not being okay with it. And I'm scared thenmost because my real events. I know it's common and everyone has real events but mines are different. I was reacted weirdly some man a few times I don't know maybe even sexual way. But I liked only girls in kindergarden and masturbate to them. And I only had crushes on girls until I was 16 there's where my HOCD started. I try to belive that that's because that's my true self but there are some people who became and realized they are bisexual later. And I was always afraid that secretly I am gay since I was 12 because I was bullied with it. I don't know if I had weird reactions to man before that, but two months before my HOCD started I was 16 and a 28 year old bisexual guy wanted to pick me up. He was asking me to send him pictures and he was sending me. I don't know if there's anything to do with that. And my HOCD didn't started with a what if you know I started reacting weirdly to stuff. And I tried to push it away I was scared of it but then I couldn't not think about it. And then I had every single symptom of HOCD you can imagine. But I am scared because of the real event and because my OCD latched onto true things so many times I was doing compulsions to things that were really true. I really feel like the exception and I don't know what to do.

@Anonymous I’m glad you feel safe to say what’s on your mind here. It is definitely the place for that. One thing i will say, i feel I’m qualified to say, is i would not know where to begin to help in this particular situation because i know so little about it. I do know our bodies change as we grow and our thoughts/mind develop and shifts in so many different directions as well. Nothing about possibly being gay or reacting to a males touch is bad. However, you being 16, i would say please be so careful. The 28 year old, i can almost say for certain, could care less about you and seeks only one thing. If you’re going to discover something about yourself you didn’t know, you want it to be with someone you can fully trust. It should mean something more than a physical experience. Being somebody who was molested, i can attest to and stand by my warning to you whole heartedly. People asking for pictures and sending them to you is typically not a meaningful thing. It’s ok to just be 16, truly. Do you already have a therapist? If so, share all of this with them, every fear, every thought and feeling you can’t make sense of. They are qualified to help you sort it out the right way. I can say in general, let yourself find out who you are, just don’t put yourself in danger to do so. No relationship, either meaningful or plutonian, is worth a lifetime of ptsd and heartache. If you find that you are gay or bi, please don’t be ashamed of that. No more than you would be ashamed about finding hair in weird places as you grow lol. You’re growing, developing, learning who you are. Who you are is beautiful and worth the time and energy to find out about yourself and be perfectly content with what you find. As long as who you are causes no harm to you or others, what’s to fret about? Take pride in what you find, sort out the weird stuff or nonsensical stuff, and embrace the good stuff. Your sexual orientation does not qualify as bad stuff, it’s you, and that’s perfectly fine. Remember, we are perfectly imperfect. Flaud and amazing at the same time. So, for what to do about all this you’ve shared? Talk to your therapist, keep sharing here in this safe place, and read others stories who struggle with the same. I assure you, you are not alone🤜🏻🤛.