OCD makes me trust the wrong people...

Hi! I never know whats going to be a trigger, so I always mark everything 'trigger warning'. If there's one thing I've learned about OCD: its methods may be the same, but how they act upon us individually is different... and there I go explaining myself to a chat full of OCD. Anyway, my OCD started around when I was 6. My sister died when she was an infant, which I blame myself for because I didnt check on her in the middle of the night. After that, my mother became a raging alcoholic and left my step dad.... so I'm sure you can see where all this was headed fast: It was all my fault and only childish compulsions could save my loved ones and the world! Aside from having to flip light switches a specific number of times and NEVER watching someone leave until you couldn't see them anymore, just to ensure their safe journey, I also dealt with the overwhelming fear of being left behind because of how my mother left. I would then spend the next 9ish years being passed from family member to family member until my mother came back, kidnapped me, and dragged me all over the country(seriously, i missed almost all my 4th grade year because she decided we needed to join a Carnival!).... Skipping everything between then and 16, I found myself running away from the Hotel my mom had us living at with 7 other people, and from 16 on, I was on my own. During this time, my OCD was really starting to take off, but it was swept under all the other mental and emotional crap that had been going through my life, If there were signs, I missed them completely. I missed them completely, yet I lived them every day. Especially the anxiety, doubt, and constant assurance seeking I did from girlfriends, and friends alike. Eventually, I noticed that my self doubting took up more of my waking hours than anything else. This would have two effects I later found out: 1. it made me seek assurance from a wider and wider audience: at first close friends/family, then acquaintances, then people I just smoked weed with.... I"m sure you get the picture: I was seeking assurance from more and more uncreditable sources when it came to my personal life. The 2nd thing it did was make me latch onto people for the simplest of kindnesses....Especially to any sort of mother figures(Because all mothers are perfect and would never hurt anyone, right?[That was sarcasm]), as so much of my loss clearly stemmed from that tale as old as time: Mommy Issues! I just realized how long this is getting. Look, the bottom line is after 39 years, OCD can really screw up your ability to trust. If someone shows me the slightest kindness, I put the faith of a CHILD into them and its done a couple things: One, its caused me to look the fool too many times to count on everything from loss of money to loss of friends. Two, its made me very reclusive because I can't trust myself to., well, trust! And when you spend so much of your day just LOOKING like you need someone to give you a direction, those who think more of themselves than others WILL come along and take you by the hand. My inability to trust the right people has cost me(just this year): my health insurance, my savings(twice), relationships, and dignity: and that was JUST from trusting my boss, who I look up to 'as a mother figure'... And the truth is, she's not, but that's my point: OCD has my ability to trust so broken, I fall for every gaslight and will actually ignore people who do care about me when they point out that people are absolutely takiing advantage of me, just for fear of learning I trusted the wrong person again.... And its all OCD. If i remove my OCD, or do my imaginal worksheet and my ERP, its like clearing the fog from my windshield and I can see clearly for a few moments, but 39 years is a long time to leave OCD untreated: its had time to do its push-ups. I'm 46 years old, and I've allowed OCD to tell me who to trust and how to trust and when to trust this entire time. Freeing myself from it during my treatment has been maddening because not only am I having to rewire all those years, but I"m also having to accept how many people I've let take advantage of me all this time, and what I need to do with them now that I can see a little more clearly: Do I cut all ties, do I set boundaries....that sort of thing. I didn't include what started this whole rant on purpose.... I started to(it was work related), but then I realized that the emotions it stirred up were waaay stronger than the event that caused it. This event, while no mere trifle, is not worth putting in here because the bigger and more important theme is OCD can destroy a persons most important survival tool: trust. I have more boundaries today than I had yesterday. ERP has allowed me to take situations that would normally be a 4, 5, or 6 on the scale down to a more managable 2 or 3.... but when it comes to placing trust in people and having to analyze whether its a healthy relationship or not, the scale goes beyond 7, especially with my boss of 10 years. A mental disorder that attacks a persons ability to trust truly is a cruel thing... its what kept me away from proper therapy all this time. My goal during treatment is a humble one: I want to learn to trust myself. Nevermind everyone else...I have a feeling I'm not seeking trust so much as reassurance when I seek out others(like my boss). No, i think the important thing is to learn to trust myself: Something I've never done. It is my hopeful prayer that, if anything comes out of treatment, its that. Have a wonderful day and, if you got all the way to the end, I hope you have TWO wonderful days! -Me