I keep having this overwhelming feeling I might have done something unconsensual in my past. I have tried to be careful ask for permission read body language but I worry I might have done something without realizing it. No one has ever told me I did anything nonconsensual but I still worry and obsess over it. I have to remind myself mutual friends have never said anything to me or the people themselves.
If the people you surround yourself with truly care, they will be understanding if you talk to them. I know it’s not the easiest thing to do but I learned that being open with the people I trust helps a lot when I can’t stop thinking about smth.
@Anonymous no don’t do that that’s reassurance seeking
@cottonandy Hello, I was wondering if you maybe had experiences with providers assigning you exposures in this area? Because honestly I don’t know what is reasonable and things like worry scripts have never been helpful to me.
Sorry you’re going through this, try your best to let the thoughts come and go, and very importantly understand that research or reassurance will make this worse. It’s valid to worry about this, because you care and have morals, but compulsions can steal your present, they don’t solve. You’re a human being and we all make mistakes and you might not ever know for certain the exact details of every memory, trust your present moment and lack of any hypothetical accusers and try to live your best life and by your moral code. This theme loves to throw “what ifs” like crazy so just a heads up to let those come and go too, I always say to myself, “ yea what if anything?” This isnt to let yourself off or not care but the trick is to realize trying to solve this by mental replay and get 100% certainty is maddening and obsessive like you said. Problems can be addressed if and when they ever come. Hope you feel better soon!
@texan95 Thank you for this message I think that’s a good way to look at my situation. Trying my best to not let it debilitate me and continue to put my best foot forward.
I struggle with this a lot I get vid memories of experiences I’ve had in the past and convince myself that I have taken advantage of a sexual partner or pressured someone. I have asked for re assurance multiple times from a sexual partner and apologized for ever doing anything against their will. Even those there responses where always “no you did not sexually assault me or pressure me in any way” Getting that re assurance made it way worse I begin to think there just saying that so I don’t feel bad and that leads me in to a spiral of fearing that my partners do not feel like they can tell me things because of my emotions and that I’m an abuser and it’s easier to keep me around than to cut me out because they fear me. practice EPR really helps me when I get very stuck in one of these rumination’s. Accepting that I might of done that to my partners and sitting with that and then accepting that I cannot know what someone else might be feeling or thinking unless they tell me. I always remind myself of my boundaries and continue to practice consent. But I have to trust that if this is a true scenario that my partner would take the best actions for themselves. OCD unfortunately tries very hard to convince you your worst possible fears are true. So I do believe the best line of defense is EPR to keep those thoughts at bay. If the thought is so intense and so alarming it’s most likely your ocd sinking its claws in to your brain. Please correct me if I’m wrong I’m still learning.
@Anonymous This sounds extremely similar to my thought processes Im not in contact with past relationships and I think I would come to a similar conclusion that you have and I worry I might be an abuser as well. I think the fact we care and the idea we might have crossed a line shows our morals are in tack. I think you can trust what people tell you when you ask them they probably care about you and don’t want you believing something that isn’t true.
@Anonymous I think it’s a universal feeling for a lot of men and I’m assuming your a dude to not be labeled an abuser. One because it’s rotten to think that you might have done something to hurt someone and the guilts eats at you and Two because of the lack of empathy given to an abuser from the public eye. I think you can believe what they have told you and practice resisting reaching back out to them. You’re allowed to move on and do better in the future you don’t have to let it eat at you. It sounds like OCD working against you.
@Anonymous Im actually a women who dates men lol. It comes to show any kind of guessing or assuming is something that also keeps us in an ocd trap unfortunately because we are constantly trying to solve things so that it makes since in our brain. But it’s ok to not fully understand someone’s reasoning and accept that. That’s been such a hard one for me
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I have the exact same fears and it’s debilitating. I have a question for you or anyone really — what are some exposures that have been assigned to you to work on this? Because asking for consent before, during, and after sex is the right thing to do. Like any sexual health organization that describes consent would say that. I think this topic is so scary and I want to know what OCD therapists would recommend.
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