There's no way this is HOCD

But if I do then I'm going to belive that this is actually what I want. Because It feels too real and when I feel discomfort or disgusted then that's just because of soceity because then why would I think that I want it without fear and it feels like an actual desire when I am imagine myself with a man sexual or romanticak way. Sometimes I'm like ewh it's not for me but it feels like that's just because of soceity.

@Anonymous You’re not saying it’s what you want I’m saying this! You are neither denying or confirming it!

@Cat-Mom But if I let go the ,,not wanting it,, compulsion then I feel like I want it and I can't say maybe I do maybe I'm not because it literally feels like I do. The maybe I do part feels real and the Maybe I'm not feels like a lie.

@Anonymous I feel so much for you because I was having these exact thoughts and feelings when my anxiety was at its worst two months ago. I know you're being tortured by your mind right now but the only way to escape this is through radical acceptance, there is no way around it. Two months ago I reached a braking point where I accepted that MAYBE my fear is true (acceptance doesn't mean that you suddenly want it, but that you accept that it might be true and you will find a way to live your life anyway) because I physically couldn't handle the anxiety anymore, I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack from it. And I realized that fighting it is pointless because if it is true, it already is and there is no changing it. Once I accepted that, my theme didn't go away, I still struggle with it, but the anxiety won't kill you anymore and you will start to think more clearly. I know acceptance seems like the worst thing that could happen but it's the only thing that will give you some freedom. The more you resist it, the more real it's gonna feel. I'm so sorry it's bad for you, but it can be better!

@Anonymous And to give you a little hope, I also used to feel like the maybe not part was a lie. I was actually certain it was a lie. Now I can't say that I have more clarity about my sexuality, I'm still confused and scared but I don't feel like I'm lying when I say "maybe not", I feel hopeful. You have very little insight right now because you keep feeding it. I was scared that once I stop the compulsions I was gonna be shown "the truth". I didn't find out anything, I still don't know what my sexuality is but I can handle this uncertainty a lot better on most days and live with it

Believe me, I have experienced all of this and still do sometimes but the difference is that when I was doing compulsions and fighting with it constantly I felt devastated and spent every day crying about it. I specifically remember this moment in april when I was walking on the street and I was so stuck in my mind and I was looking around at the trees in bloom and I burst out crying thinking about how I can't enjoy life anymore, I can't enjoy spring because my entire world consists of these thoughts you're describing. Now that I cut out a lot of my compulsions, I may still be anxious but I got a bit of my life back, I'm not stuck in my head 24/7. These thoughts are still there and I'm still scared they might be true but I can resist analyzing them. I still don't want to be lesbian but it's not the only thing I can focus on anymore.