First pregnancy and OCD flare up - long post!

i recently found out that i am pregnant (i am almost 8 weeks along and i found out when i was 4 weeks) which being pregnant has been a huge fear of mine for a long time and i told myself when i wanted have kids then i was going to adopt rather than go through pregnancy. fast forward to now, it has shaken my whole life up, i took a plan B to try and prevent myself from getting pregnant and i still did anyway. 😅 it has been a while since i have felt my OCD has been debilitating or lasted extended periods, but my anxiety/OCD has been running rampant since the day i found out, about many different OCD themes and my blood pressure has been elevated, but one in particular is me being TERRIFIED of Postpartum Depression or developing Postpartum Psychosis. (i grew up with a parent that developed a psychotic illness later in their life, to my knowledge it does not run in the family but neither does OCD and i have that, so) i am just terrified of pregnancy affecting me in a way i will never bounce back from. i have also been experiencing some health issues since being pregnant and i am just scared of what the future will hold since i am so early on and there’s a long way to go. i am afraid that i will go crazy, or ill be in a permanent mental health state i wont recover from. what if i cant handle pregnancy? what if i develop psychosis post partum? what if i feel like i don’t love my baby after i give birth? even though this was an accident and it is terrifying, i want to try to give my baby the best life i can. but i also don’t even feel that i am ready. idk. idek what the point of my post is but i am venting 😭

ebpink 🎀

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 12h

I have never seen someone else speak about the same exact fears/thoughts I have, even the same experience of a parent developing some sort of delusional illness after having kids… which was so difficult to grow up. We so badly don’t want to become what we witnessed growing up. I unfortunately don’t have an answer or solution, but I empathize with you greatly. My fiancé wants to have kids someday so I know it’s in my near future and I’m terrified. Are you currently in NOCD therapy? I think it would help a lot to have professional support and guidance during your pregnancy ❤️

moonlightgod...

Date posted: 12h

@ebpink 🎀 it feels reassuring to know someone else out there experiences similar thoughts as me. 🥹 my OCD mainly centers around me developing psychosis or becoming delusional like my mother. it was traumatic to witness and now my OCD will mimic thoughts of someone with a delusional disorder and my brain will try to convince me i believe them. it’s a very scary and viscous cycle i also experience derealization and depersonalization. my mother didn’t develop it right after having children, i was a child though and i believe it was due to heavy drinking and her own unresolved trauma. i’ve seen what that kind of illness can do to a person and how it can completely change them and how they suffer….. i have CPTSD as well due to my childhood experiences. i recently did set up an appointment with a NOCD therapist! thank you for your kind words 😊 it’s rare that i come across anyone that has an experience even remotely similar to mine lol

ebpink 🎀

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 11h

@moonlightgoddesss Mine also centers around developing psychosis/becoming delusional like my mother! & I also have DPDR, triggered by a traumatic acid trip in 2020. It went away for a couple years, then earlier this year I saw a TikTok of this person sharing a video of them experiencing psychosis, later that night I had a panic attack that immediately triggered derealization again, and this time with fear that I was experiencing psychosis, or that I was dead and dreaming, or that I’m in a simulation, or that I’m becoming like my mom, etc. etc. The combination of DPDR/Existential OCD/fear of psychosis or going crazy is literally the worst thing I’ve experienced in my life… but, I’ve been in NOCD therapy for about 5 months now and it’s really helped. My fear of pregnancy and postpartum psychosis is the main topic I talk about with my therapist now. Like 5 months ago I couldn’t even say the word psychosis without panicking and crying.. It’s reduced the sensation of DPDR as well, along with somatic therapy I do on the side. DPDR is a result of a dysregulated nervous system so if you haven’t tried it, maybe take a look into it? She_Breath Teresa on YouTube is the only one I watch. Anyway, I hope NOCD therapy helps you manage your fears and I hope pregnancy goes much smoother than your fears are trying to convince you ❤️ I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to, and I’ll be following along on your journey if you decide to share your pregnancy journey 🫶

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