Can't cope with my past no matter what I do.

I did really bad, disgusting things when I was 12 to 15 years old. I don't know how to cope, I want to cry every few minutes when I remember. This isn't OCD overinflating a problem, or anything. Genuinely, if I were to repeat those same things now as an adult I'd be put away for a while. Some of these things involved people still in my life and they're either unaware, or simply forgot it ever happened, and I'm absolutely wracked with guilt any time they're around, because they seemingly still like having me around. I feel completely irredeemable, like it doesn't matter that I've changed, my actions were just THAT awful that I should always be labeled by these actions.

Anonymous

Date posted: 8h

I get these all the time but it’s with memories I can’t seem to remember but I get disbursing images in my brain and it leaves me confused because I really don’t know and I had way too much internet access and now it leaves me confused if I ever did those actions it leave me disgusted with myself. Nobody is perfect and everybody at a young age makes mistakes. I didn’t even know half of the things I was being told

bluerainbow

Date posted: 8h

Did you kill someone? Sometimes it helps to take a deep breath and get some perspective on it all. Killing someone in cold blood is probably the worst thing someone can do to another person. So you haven't done anything on that level? Have you? So just take a moment and get some perspective on it. We have all did wrong things in our lives. Perfect innocent people are for fairytale. They dont exsist.

LiteralWorth...

Date posted: 8h

Well... No. As far as I know. Here recently my mind has tried convincing me I've wanted to/have done that at some point too. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the stuff I know for CERTAIN I did was still really bad and disgusting.

bluerainbow

Date posted: 7h

@LiteralWorthlessTrash It doesn't take away from it. Agreed. But what you can do, is give yourself some grace today / tonight. And just know that whatever has happened, its not the worst. Far from it. Try and put it in the correct category. If you had a sliding scale and cold blooded murder is at number 10...then another crime at 9, 8,7 and down to 1. Where would you rate your circumstances that make you feel so awful ?

LiteralWorth...

Date posted: 7h

@bluerainbow I don't really know... There's so many different things, and different circumstances for each, it's all really complicated. I'd say... A mixture of 6, 7, and 8 depending on the event.

bluerainbow

Date posted: 6h

@LiteralWorthlessTrash Well your not at 9 or 10. So that IS something positive. Its not THAT bad. If you only take something from it, take from it that however bad you believe yourself to be. You can always know your not a 9/10. So your not the worst, if that's all you take from it when you close your eyes to go to sleep at night. I always try and find some perspective because when we are all up inside of it all, and so absorbed in it all, we cant see clearly. We just cant. Im sorry you feel you are worthless. Ive felt that as well and its just a hopeless horrible feeling. But I dont think your worthless and nobody else does either. Your being really hard on yourself ❤️

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