Basically, my HOCD gets so much worse with the ROCD. Struggling really hard to not do compulsions today. I have these recurring cycles of not feeling anything for my fiancee and getting worried that I don't actually love him and that since I don't get butterflies or desire to talk to him 24/7 that it must be true and then it fuels my HOCD. UGH I just want to be who I was before all of this started. I hate it.
Well if we’re going off not getting butterflies or desire to talk to him 24/7 then I think 95% of relationships are the same.
@Dannyr Throughout relationships it won’t feel perfect all the time, some days you’ll be more checked out than others, some days you will be all over each-other, but don’t let your thoughts convince you that you’re falling out of love, you already know the real answer, and OCD thoughts are fuel for everything we’re scared of being true, so the more you let your thoughts win, the more powerful they will be tomorrow.
@Dannyr This!!!!
@Dannyr - This is so helpful. Thank you so much! It truthfully is just so scary and it makes me sad so I sit in the thoughts. But you are absolutely right!
Relationship concerns definitely triggered my SO-OCD, and I’ve gotten so scared I don’t feel butterflies for him. But who does feel butterflies when they’ve been with someone for nearly 5 years?! Long term love is different than short term
I've never really had butterflies so I totally get this! I think it changed for me about a year into our relationship. I never had ROCD until then and all of the sudden I'll loose connection and desire to be with him and then it just runs rampant with my SO-OCD. I feel for you!
@Bubba100 YES! It’s so frustrating. I’m the same way. And the fact that I never really got scared to go on dates also made me feel like that was somehow “proof” of something. Which is weird because I always wanted to go on the dates, so how do you rationalize that? I also don’t know if you feel this way, but I don’t get excited when I think of a wedding with him but I get very sad if he says “well if you decide you’re not gay and you want to get married…” and I genuinely think it’s me just not wanting to not be with him to be the case. Because if I will the thoughts they don’t bring joy but if he brings it up and my hesitation about it I’m bummed like, I don’t want it to be like this!
@Cat-Mom - So you've told him all about your SO-OCD and ROCD? I have too and sometimes it make me worried that he also thinks these things about me! Right now when I'm in an episode I feel nothing about getting married, but when I'm feeling like myself I get really excited and I think about it and daydream. But this comes and goes monthly lol it sucks! But I totally understand how you're feeling. It just sucks all around. I really wanted to start a support group, like a group chat or discord. Do you know of any?
@Bubba100 I have a discord just for this LOL It’s catmom0795
@Cat-Mom - Mind if I join it??
@Bubba100 Please do!
@Cat-Mom - I think I messaged you on discord lol, sorry I'm new to that app
those thoughts are immensely powerful as it feels so strong and real just if you can delay the urgency and say to yourself “so what I don’t need to figure this out now” and you move on from it over time gradually it seems not as important to look at although I know it’s probably difficult for you as it is for me too
I think what I struggle with is how long it should take for thoughts to subside. And then I do well for a few weeks and then the thoughts come back and I'm like "well if they cycle this quickly and come back they must be true" which i know is stupid
@Bubba100 sometimes the anxiety stays for me for hours it’s agonizing if you have break through meds to help for emergency situations I would take them when it lasts longer than 30 mins bc for me I struggle a lot with pulling myself out of it
10 yrs married with ROCD - The thing that makes ROCD strong is the same thing that makes all themes strong, the abundance of choice and uncertainty. Marriage is not a life sentence it’s a lease that is always up for renewal! If you continue to choose each other your OCD will begin to accept that the real you is making the choices, and the false narratives /lies of the OCD bully (magical thinking, overestimation of threat etc) are just that - noise. Congratulations on your wedding!
I love this, thank you!!
How long have you been together? It’s not realistic to have butterflies your whole relationship. That usually only happens in the beginning. It’s also important to have your own independence and space in a relationship. You are partners, not glued together expecting to do everything with each other all the time, that will lead to unhappiness and you relying on each other to make each other happy, when that is an individual journey. However, there should be love there and a longing to actually spend some time together, working on goals together, planning a life together etc. My husband and I have been together for almost 26 years, sometimes we’re super close, sometimes we’re more distant and independent. There are natural ebbs and flows to a relationship. It just depends on how much effort you want to put into your relationship at the time. You have to constantly put work in to make that connection.
We've been together for 2.5 years and getting married in May. Truthfully, I never had butterflies but i think this just stems from past relationship trauma. I also never really had ROCD until maybe 1 year into the relationship. Until then I constantly dreamed about getting married and having kids and it made me so happy. I have times where I feel like a lifetime isn't nearly long enough. And don't get me wrong when we're both busy I logically miss him and I know I want to see him, but I am not a phone talker nor do I want to stay up until 4 am talking. When I have these ROCD flares it feels like I've lost all connection and desire to be with him. I'm also asexual so constantly feeling like I am different adds to my ROCD flare too. But I know this will pass like it always does, it just sucks in the moments. And then I worry about how often I get these cycles and think they must be true because of that.
@Bubba100 I’m pretty independent myself, and I do believe independent people probably have more fulfilling and healthy relationships. We both have our own hobbies and can go a day or even two without really talking (especially when there’s not much to say and we’re busy, lol). We don’t get jealous of each other at all. But I think we have to remember that’s how real love looks to a lot of folks! We can try to chase something more “exciting”, but will we find it? Will it be enough?
@Cat-Mom - Its nice to hear this from people, I don't see this a whole lot and unfortunately I do compare myself to other relationships. Trying to stop lol, but its nice to know that relationships can look differently and it doesnt mean anything about how much they love each other
@Bubba100 I totally get it. I’ve gotten so worried that my lack of jealousy/dependency means something. But then I think of the people I know in relationships who are jealous and that doesn’t look that great, either. I always looked to my parents who were independent people. You’re far from alone, the loudest people though are usually the ones who need to “claim” their SO
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