Is this ocd or not :(

i’m a girl. i’ve always been one. i’ve loved traditionally feminine things for as long as i can remember. i’ve never felt any discomfort with puberty or my gender until october last year. honestly, my history with severe ocd started when i was only four years old when i had a strong urge to touch all the corners in a room. when i was ten, i had to do everything six times and beat the garage door or i thought i’d die. at eleven, i had existential ocd where nothing felt real and i constantly checked mirrors or typed out 'derealisation' to test my reaction. at twelve, i feared i was becoming a psychopath or a pedophile, and i compulsively saved tiktoks to reassure myself. now i’m almost fourteen, and my brain has latched onto a new theme: tocd. it all started because i got into a fandom early last year and loved a male x male ship. i envied the attention, power, and cool dynamic men got, mostly because i was so heavily affected by misogyny. i envied boyhood for a moment when playing fortnite because female gamers get so much hate. i started picturing myself as a woman but being the cool, dominant one in a relationship. but in october, i saw a video that said “i’m a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship,” and the top comment said, “this is how i found out i was trans.” i got so scared. i went onto chatgpt and it threw all these labels at me. i temporarily settled with demigirl and she/they because i was an alt girl, but it quickly wore off. then in november, i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie. because i liked billie eilish's style, i misinterpreted the dream as a gender sign. that completely set off the obsession. this disorder has ruined my holidays and my christmas. my brain is compulsively checking my memories, giving me false memories, and twisting normal things—like how i played with boys, had boyish humour, played with boy barbies, or dressed up in a suit as mr wolf as a kid. it even twists a joke alter ego i made called jack maverick, making me worry because i once thought i looked cool with a mascara moustache, or because i cried to my mum at christmas that life would be easier as a boy just because i was frustrated by misogyny. i used to search tocd symptoms vs dysphoria and i perfectly matched tocd. but now, the compulsions don’t help. it feels like i like the thoughts and have an involuntary pull toward them. i get butterflies that feel like excitement, and then i panic and cry because i don’t want to accept it. i feel numb, and when the anxiety drops for a second, my brain says "it would be cool to be a boy" and i get a split second of false desire. i started emdr therapy but it just makes me feel like i want the thoughts even more. right now, it feels so real. it feels like i’m a boy and i'm panicking that i was never me at all and that i'll never be normal again. i feel like a stranger in my mind, i don't recognise myself without makeup, and i feel like i'm cosplaying being a girl. but the honest truth is that all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. the other night i did my makeup and felt absolute certainty and happiness in my gender before the doubt crept back. i love girlhood, i love having girl best friends, and if i could press a button to change my birth gender to a boy, i would say no. every night i sleep with my rapunzel doll, crying and praying to a god i’m not sure exists that i can just be back with my younger, carefree, innocent self. i just want her back.