HELP!! Meta OCD traps me into a paradoxical loop

@Lori F Here’s the struggle: I get thoughts like “oh look I’m getting better!” But then it starts making me question if this is recovery. It doesn’t make a difference if I say yes. If I let it stay there then it fires back with “then how are you getting better if you can’t even answer this question?”

@Hantherepenter - I see recovery as a journey, not a destination. And it's a journey that I cannot define by results. I am doing the work, therefore I am in recovery. Even on bad days, it is still recovery.

@Lori F Did you ever have to give up control to be certain that you’ll recover in the future?

@Hantherepenter I will never be certain that my recovery will stick. I can’t think too far in the future as that creates the worry. Here’s a song I created about appreciating the moment of improvement without thinking too far into the future. https://suno.com/s/zJ0HKAf0oARo7fNG

@Lori F When I do exposure therapy, I get the fear that although ill get “desensitized” to the scary thoughts, it’s the part that those thoughts that I worked exposures on can come back as if they never changed at all. And that gives me the ultimate fear that exposure therapy only works short term like a compulsion.

@Hantherepenter Even if I expose myself to the fear that exposure therapy is short term, I get the thought that even if I expose myself with hopes that I won’t have the same anxiety before exposure then eventually that same high anxiety will return. If it seems confusing I can clarify it to you.. sometimes I try to think the thoughts so I can explain clearly but they just kind of go away when trying to confront

@Hantherepenter - I have similar fears of my recovery not sticking. Use the same techniques you use on your other fears for this fear. Maybe, maybe not is a good one. Maybe it will work long term, maybe it won't. We know it is possible for it to work long term because there are those who have been recovered for years. So there is hope, but we don't know how we will respond. We cannot know for sure. So this is just like our other fears. We have to accept the uncertainty.

@Lori F When I accept that maybe it’ll work long term maybe it won’t, my brain automatically thinks that the fears that I’ve worked on will eventually come back in full. Okay, maybe I can accept that they’ll come back in full, but that goes against my intent in ERP: “anxiety should gradually die down for good.” That’s what bothers me

@Hantherepenter - Should is a dangerous word for those of us with OCD.

@Lori F Sorry. But still my mind believes doing ERP and probably acceptance is like “the light at the end of the tunnel because of the results erp brings

@Hantherepenter Here is what I have had to tell myself from time to time: if this doesn’t stick, at least I had a vacation from the haunting thoughts. Accepting the uncertainty, even in this, is the only way to get past it. Trust me, my therapist has had to walk me through all kinds of scenarios my OCD comes up with that would put him out of a job, but he has never once told me to be certain that I will recover or that o shills even stick with therapy. He encourages uncertainty even as it relates to therapy.

@Lori F So in other words, change my intent of exposure to “not guaranteed” and accept that anxiety won’t stay low even when I learn to live by it?

@Hantherepenter Accept that anxiety MIGHT NOT stay low. But it also MIGHT. We don’t know the future. We can hope it will, but there are no guarantees.

@Lori F When I do try to accept that the results of exposure therapy may not stay like that, my ocd tells me: “that proves that there isn’t any way to treat OCD.”

@Hantherepenter It’s like there is no hope.. ocd just has a counter for everything

@Hantherepenter There is hope. Others have gotten past this. When your OCD says that, pretend like you agree with it. Say things in your head like, “oh yes, that would be so cool If this never went away.” OCD can be like a bully, when you act like you don’t care, it’s less likely to pester you.