Hard Days

Haven't used this app in a long while as I've been trying my hardest to get through the thoughts and anxiety on my own and to not use this app as a crutch as it used to be a compulsion. Posting now as I need a safe space to just let everything out instead of putting it on my husband constantly. I've been working on the confessing compulsion so now I will say "OCD is playing up" instead of what the actual thought is (except when the anxiety is so bad that I cannot focus or am in a big panic, then I'll try to delay the confession compulsion as long as I can). My husband helps me with this compulsion by either ignoring me (which we agreed, he's not being rude) to not engage with it and he'll start talking about something else, or he'll try to make me laugh about it so I can view what's going on in a different way. He's is an absolute rock when it comes to supporting me. Just wanted to get my feelings out today. The last few days have been very hard. We've been TTC and it's set off triggers across nearly all themes. SOOCD pops up during films (but I have this theme well handled). ROCD pops up when watching tv, when something reminds me of people, and stems into a big fear of thinking inappropriate thoughts, especially during the wrong times and thoughts that I would consider to mean betraying my husband (he knows what these are about and doesn't care because he can see how badly I don't want them). I had one instance of HOCD when I was washing up a knife, and I had one instance of POCD because some antisocial teenagers were underage drinking walking near the cars in the road so I was watching to make sure nothing bad happens (police won't do anything about it because "they're under staffed"). One of the kids lifted his top up to show off to his friends. I looked away because I don't want to see it and I was only making sure they didn't get run over or damage any cars, but it felt like I did something awful cos it happened whilst I was making sure nothing bad happened. Even typing it makes me feel awful. But the absolute worst them lately has been contamination OCD. I wash my hands after I touching everything, even if I try to delay the compulsion. My knuckles and hands are cracking and bleeding from washing them so much. It's so bad that I wash them after touching the pegs on the washing line because I've seen pigeons sit on it (tbf they pooped on it, too - got my husband to clean that). I have to clean everything my FIL touches cos he always picks his nose. If others use our bathroom, I have to clean it the second they leave and I'll put toilet paper on the seat before sitting down. I have to antibac the shopping otherwise I need to wash my hands after touching it. These are just some examples, and it's been made worse by all the guidance for TTC/pregnancy on what to avoid (e.g. it said to avoid touching grass without washing your hands in case things get transmitted, it's a low risk generally, but as we're TTC I cannot risk it). I'm not looking for reassurance. If you have any ERP advice for contamination OCD in particular, please let me know. I cannot risk getting ill whilst TTC as we've been struggling with our journey and when I'm ill, I'm ill for a while and it means we'll miss out on another month of trying. It's like living in a constant state of fear. The anxiety is always there. Sometimes it's more noticeable. Other times it's quieter. For any SJM fans, don't let the hard days win! If OCD is flicking really quickly between themes, is that a sign of ERP working?