Can't stop thinking about this

18+ only please When I was 18, nearly 19 in a month and a half, I was reading fanfiction and for some reason decided to look for some of a character who is 15. I know for a fact that I understood being interested in someone that much younger than me was inappropriate but I still went out of my way to look for this content. The character wasn't even aged up or anything. I don't think I was looking for anything explicit, but I think I was still hoping i would find something with at least a little NSFW since thats what I normally read. For context, it wasn't a random character, it was a character I had previously had a crush on for years (started liking him back when I was 16). The weird part is that I had already sort of moved on from this attraction but I guess I just got nostalgic or something and decided to go back to this character. I never ended up reading anything inappropriate/explicit. I found one story that interested me that did contain nsfw but I didn't get further than like 3 chapters. I can't remember why, I think I didn't like the writing style or something. After that I never tried anything like this again. I think I thought it would be okay at the time since the character is fictional and animated and I was imagining myself to be his age while reading the story. I just feel so gross and despicable. How could I have been okay with that? Am I a monster or criminal or p?

mjr-rust

Date posted: 2d

All I can say is you are not alone. I've done the exact same thing and have been wracked with guilt because of it. Teenage sexuality is weird. Regardless of my own opinion on it, much older individuals write/read that sort of content because they are reminded of their own early experiences; not because they're attracted to teenagers. Whatever the reason for seeking it out, if it makes you uncomfortable now that's all you had to recognize :) Don't beat yourself up over it 💗

Lefty Vegan

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

I have POCD and I think this is classic to that: "What if I'm a p?" "What if I want that?" "What if I had a groinal response" The sad thing is, that trying to answer these questions and "figure it out" are compulsions, and will only strengthen the OCD cycle. What's worked for me are non engagement responses (NERs) when I have obsessions "Maybe maybe not" "Maybe I want that, maybe not" And ERP practice phrases twice a day for ten min where you repeat an exposure, have thoughts and feel feelings and DONT respond "Maybe I'm attracted to x" "Maybe I intentionally searched for x" It will be very hard at first but will get easier. Then you can progress to harder phrases "Maybe I want to have sex with X" "Maybe I'm a pedophile" When that gets easier you could drop the maybe and say "I am/did" Also something I just remembered, how you censored p, it was hard for me too to say pedophile, also rape, penis, little boy/girl. But these words are just words and are powerless. If you try repeatjng these words in ERP I think that could help too. ❤️

cryingonthei...

Date posted: 18h

Dw I’ve been through that too. Idk if I’m just trying to make excuses for myself but i always tell myself if it’s fanfics and there’s nothing visual then the characters are whoever and whatever (nonexistent) age in my head. it’s not the age that makes me want to read nsfw. But i also don’t read abt characters that would be too young for sex to not be a bit normalized to experience at that age. Most fics i read also don’t include age as a factor for the story so i treat them as any other book. I’m not the moral police but I don’t think you’re a monster for it. There are still a lot of ppl who read and write them so you’re not alone. Thoughts and feelings cant be controlled so your irl actions with real people are what define you.

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