I feel disgusting and horrible idk what to do

My ex and I AGREED we wouldn’t do anything/see anyone else right now due to the fact we’re almost 100% getting back together. So please don’t take that out of context. But I was out with my friends, a few being male, and they were putting on a “fashion show” for us, wearing our friends old clothes before he moved away. It was super sweet and fun and then I realized I could potentially be attracted to them changing so I kept looking away, but realized I was still partially looking? And then I was like, my ex and I agreed to not date, not to not have eyes. So maybe, and I don’t remember but MAYBE I looked on purpose and definitely enjoyed it. I think my friends are fairly attractive. But part of the time I was testing myself, part of the time I just accidentally looked, and maybe a part of the time I just let myself look and enjoyed it? I saw my ex the same night, we hangout here and there and talk about reconnecting when the time is right. Now I feel horribly guilty, it’s been over 6 hours of me thinking about this. I know part of it was on purpose maybe? It’s haunting me. Why would I look knowing I’m trying to fix things with my ex? Why did I enjoy it so much? They’re all cute guys and it worries me. ALSO!!! I’m worried because if I told him, I know he’d be upset with me. So like I don’t want to but I know his reaction already which is why I’m scared

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 10h

Hello! In the most gentle way possible I think you need to take a huge deep breath and find a way to relax. This is your OCD 100%. It looks like you’ve posted this a few different times and unfortunately no matter what anyone says it will never be enough because for every answer OCD will pop up with, “but maybe..” it’s your OCD. The need to confess and get it off your chest is the OCD. I know how scary it feels like right now and like you are loosing your mind! But let’s break this down. A thought is just a thought and nothing more! It’s ok to find someone attractive it does not matter, you haven’t cheated for thinking someone is cute. Also if this was something your ex was mad about I think you need to seriously rethink the relationship. What does he expect you to do? Close your eyes or wear a blind fold when you go out? Again I’m very sorry you are going through this! I know exactly how you feel. This is the ONLY time I will give reassurance but you’ve seriously done nothing wrong, it’s ok. Sending you a big hug ❤️

bsquiggled

Date posted: 10h

@Anonymous Thank you. This make a lot of more sense. I’m just worried because it was the action of letting myself do it and not the thought that they’re cute- that’s why I’m stuck ☹️

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 10h

I understand and it’s even worse because you go back and forth in your mind and replay what happened over and over again. One thing that has helped me is saying, “maybe I am a bad person maybe I am not” or “maybe I let myself do it or maybe I didn’t” At this point you have replayed the memory over and over that it can be hard to separate the truth from the OCD reality. Sometimes when you tell OCD exactly want it wants to hear, but in a snarky voice, it can sometimes make it stop in its tracks. As isolating as it can feel you are not alone!! I feel the need to confess when I make mistakes especially at work. It sucks but I have to sit with the discomfort and not confess to anything because it’s my OCD. I’m sending you an even bigger hug

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