I always feel like somebody’s watching me (rant)

And I’m not talking about the song 😭 Triggers are weed and alcohol btw: I’ve always told my friends the reason i don’t accept/give birthday and christmas gifts is bc i don’t want it to start feeling like a transaction of friendship where we *have* to get someone a gift cus they gave us something (still true), but the real reason is because whenever someone gives me something, I’m convinced it’s bc they’re hiding a secret camera to watch me. And especially when they forget something, that gets me super paranoid. I accidentally drunkenly confessed and now i feel super guilty even though they say they understand that it’s not bc i see them as people who would do that kind of thing but bc my mind is just like that. For as long as i can remember, I’ve always felt like i was being monitored and have never felt a sense of privacy. Even when my electronic devices are off, I’m convinced their cameras are still on. I hate being in public because every street in my area actually does have cameras, and speed radars, and security cameras and while i understand why they’re there, it doesnt help my anxiety because i always feel like I’m doing something wrong or illegal even though I’m pretty sure I’m not. And i probably don’t even need to be doing something wrong or illegal to get pulled over or incarcerated because emeven law enforcement doesnt follow the law. I used to avoid leaving my house to the point i got held back a yr in high school bc i was that scared. That isn’t really a problem anymore and i don’t have an issue leaving my house at all, but i still don’t feel safe. I always feel like there’s someone watching through my window, even though no one is. My fire alarm has this tiny red dot and it makes me convinced I’m being watched—and my uncle installed it and he’s never done anything weird towards me or anyone, I’m still scared he’s watching. I’m a very cautious and paranoid person but I’m also clumsy and forgetful and honestly naive. Knowing that about myself increases my anxiety that I’m doing something illegal bc i wouldnt know what i did wrong and I’m prone to making mistakes a lot and all it takes is one really big mistake to have lifelong consequences. I’ve always tried to hide my ocd from my friends because i don’t want to freak them out because sometimes my behavior is concerning. They know i have it but they don’t really know details. I drink and get high (thc) on my own—not too often though and im always safe— but my friends like going out to drink and get high and that always makes me super paranoid and i do it anyway. I want to make it clear they don’t pressure me in any way bc i sometimes like being drunk with my friends but if we’re in public then i always think cops are after us bc of public intoxication. I get such fomo when they want to go out, and i feel so guilty everytime i have to lie to avoid it bc my ocd makes me feel like i have to confess *absolutely everything* or else I’m a liar/fraud and no one will ever understand me if they don’t know every little detail about me. I don’t rly need people to tell me i don’t have to do what i don’t want to and how i should communicate with my friends because i know that already. It’s just upsetting because i *want* to be able to do those things and go out with them without ever feeling paranoid all the time but my brain stupidly won’t let me. I hate myself a lot for having ocd and other mental illnesses because it feels like it goes against who i actually feel like i am. I like socializing and being around people, but it makes me physically uncomfortable and feel unsafe so i avoid it and then throw a pity party about how i chose not to join them and gave in to my stupid intrusive thoughts instead. i can’t control it, i can’t not listen to those thoughts, there doesnt ever feel like there’s even an option to not listen to them. I just want to feel completely safe. And less aware of everything that could ever possibly go wrong in every given moment. Sorry to anyone who reads this, my train of thought has been jumping between multiple topics at once.