Log #3 ~ Late evening bubbling

Today was a good day. I am on a long overdue paid work leave and that has soften my nerves considerably. Working a 9-5 with mental illness is truly exhausting for me and I am wondering how other people can have a family, work, and have a social life... then it downed on me they are probably not spending 4 hours a day worrying to the point of being housebound, they allow themselves to be imperfect, they accept their emotions and discomfort, they try not to judge their hard days as life defining events... they allow themselves to be human, wrong, scared, anxious, sad, look silly. I want to be like that! And I've been thinking recently, what the hell is stopping me from trying again and again even if it SUCKS, other than myself ?(apart from this concoction of brain structure, genetics, life experiences ofc) I was told by a psychologist in an ED unit in the past that I have a hard time accepting my emotions and she seemed concerned for me and urged me to get proper help for my OCD since they couldn't treat me as she didn't think I had an ED but that my OCD was affecting my eating. She told me to uncover the why behind it (possible trauma or just biology). That was when I had a small wake up call that: 1) I can suffer through waiting times in my country's public mental health care system therefore I am not even that weak 2) My healing would start as easily as simply allowing my emotions to be felt without judgement eventually 3) I have been asking the wrong questions and getting treatement that wasn't helping my ocd and social struggles much but did some wonders for my depression at the time since my therapist was kind and accepting but didn't challenge me enough with the behavioral therapy approach 4) It planted the seed that maybe I do deserve to take up some space and that a lot more is in my power than I used to think (this one was key to start questioning myself and feeling how uncomfortable and distressing every question was) So that brings me away from my fantasy world and in today where I got to get in touch with my child self by petting and feeding the neighborhood cats that are chilling in our yard. I realized I have barely touched them out of disgust and anxiety even though I used to be obsessed with animals, especially cats and dogs. I have been losing parts of what I used to enjoy, trying to fit in with work life and the usual life stressors that inevitably come up. OCD has been shrinking my life in ways that make me blind to it's grip. I can't remember even if my contamination fear was that bad a week ago. I hadn't even named the theme as contamination until I had time to rest a bit from work and daily commutes and panic. Anyway, I am so glad I did all these things that made me super uncomfortable and touched stray cats without freaking out completely at the time. That's all. 🔸️🔸️🔸️ I am looking for any lighthearted comedy film recommendations today. 🎥 I played a video game after months today and it was an interesting experience. The game is called 'The Stillness of Life' on my Switch. It's point and click game about an old woman named Talma who lives in a farm away from the big city. She takes care of her crops and farm animals, she gets tired if she is not fed, she gets letters from her family, she walks slowly, she takes life day by day. 🐐🐓🐣🌱👵 I wonder where this game is going. I recommend this game so much right now.