These thoughts plague me every single day. I can’t find anything anymore that will distract me away from these thoughts. I would rather be single the rest of my life than be with a woman. I desperately want another baby and want to feel ok with a man but

Help :(These thoughts plague me every single day. I can’t find anything anymore that will distract me away from these thoughts. I would rather be single the rest of my life than be with a woman. I desperately want another baby and want to feel ok with a man but everything is screaming at me that I only want a man because it’s normal and I want a family. I have had these thoughts on and off since age 14. I had a break from them for about 3 years when I first got with my ex …I was more obsessed about him cheating and I just put my arousal to lesbian porn to just that arousal because it’s taboo. My partner and I broke up 3 years ago after being together 6 years but he was abusive and he also wanted a sex everyday. Unless I’m drunk or just before I ovulate I don’t mind sex but I’m not hugely turned on but I like the intimacy with a partner and I think I’m more responsive desire. However the longer this goes on and the longer I’m single the more I feel like I just can’t be “in denial” anymore and that im desperately trying to cling on to the idea of soocd to let myself be in denial and not have to come out. I tried to come out to my mum once but just kept thinking I don’t want to be with a woman even though I’m saying I’m aroused and feel like that’s what deep down I am and when she was like it’s normal nowadays to be gay so it’s fine so I was like ok but then cried because I was like but I don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t know how to be a lesbian because I’ve never related to that or felt like that. It’s more that I just don’t feel right with men anymore. I am so lost and every waking moment is like this. I really want a happy relationship and more kids and the idea of a man is lovely but I don’t know if that’s just society in my head. The idea of same sex intimacy really arouses me but I feel sick afterwards and I’ve never wanted to be romantic with a woman. I’m so scared of therapy (I’ve done a tiny bit before but never fully got into ERP) because I’m just so scared it’s going to prove that I really am a lesbian. I got triggered yesterday as my sister has just broken up with her partner of 7 years as they had become like room mates and didn’t have sex or fancy each other anymore …..this has really triggered me because that’s what I want though a man best friend to cuddle and do life with and have kids etc because I so struggle with the sex side of things unless I’ll drunk. I also think I was using reassurance that they were best friends and not having sex all the time as oh I want a relationship like that and it’s normal but now they’ve broken up it’s not normal….I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I just feel like I can’t find any excuses left to not be gay. I don’t want to be with a woman! I want to be happy with a man I just wish I had the arousal with men like I do with lesbian porn (I haven’t watched in years as it feels wrong). I’m also only attracted atm to unavailable men which makes me thing it’s comphet. Am I only not wanting to be with a woman because I just haven’t experienced romance with a woman….but even typing that makes me feel sick but is that internalised homophobia? I don’t know how any of this is going to help. Reassurance no longer works for more than a few seconds. I feel like I’m wasting my life but I’m honestly truly happy when it’s just me and my son playing but I want to give him a sibling so I feel like I need to do something with my life but I can’t find a man because it’s not truly “me deep down”. Sorry this is the longest post ever. I don’t want to spend loads on therapy that I don’t have just to feel worse and for it to prove I’m a lesbian. I’ve tried to not engage with the thoughts I’ve tried lots of things …..I used to get like what I call “glimmers of hope” where I feel straight but these are so few nowadays