I have an extremely hard time saying “maybe, maybe not” in regards to harm OCD. Especially as a mom. I know we are told to accept uncertainty but I’ll never be able to accept harm. I’ll never be ok with that. How will I ever habituate to these intrusive thoughts if it’s so against my morals? I’m going on year 3 since the onset and I’m still terrified of it.
I feel this EXACT SAME way. I have postpartum ocd and harm ocd. I just recently told my therapist that I can't imagine a world in which I could accept the uncertainty that I could "maybe" do something that would harm my child, which makes me wonder (and fear) how I can recover from ocd/move on from this theme - just like you! When I first started ERP, I was using the "maybe" response to the harm thoughts which helped me stop ruminating. However, I then developed a new compulsion - constant body scanning (feelings, emotions, even my reactions to my toddler's tantrums) to ensure that I am not "missing a sign" that I could ever harm my son (very exhausting!). I'm trying to reposition this in my mind (though it's not fully working, so idk, take it with a grain!), but hear me out. You/I lived your/my life before being a mom not worried about harming anyone and didn't need to ruminate, body scan or obsess about it. So I think it's about rebuilding that trust (which I think might take time) and maybe finding a different response to the thoughts instead of the "maybe" response. Something like "I don't need to figure this out right now." I'm not sure if it's possible to direct message on this platform, but if you want someone to talk to, I'd be happy to. This has been really hard for me. I am praying for you - you are not alone!
@Anonymous Thank you for the prayers!! I will pray for you too. Yes it’s sooooo hard. I understand exactly what you’re saying about scanning, rumination, all of it. I’m learning more about ICBT and it talks about growing in trust in yourself and possibility vs probability. Is anything possible? Yes. But for your circumstance is it probable based on who you are, the reality of your life, your history? No. So you chalk it up to an OCD feared story. I wish NOCD offered ICBT as well. I feel like it would help more with themes like this with moms, etc.
Does it help at all to reframe it slightly in your mind? For example, you’re not “accepting” (as in, “being ok with”) the fact that you may harm someone; rather, you’re accepting the possibility that it could happen. A tool that helps me is separating myself from my thoughts via cognitive defusion. Thinking and fully inhabiting an intrusive thought becomes “I’m having the thought that…” which then evolves to “I notice I’m having the thought that…” You are not your thoughts.
@ProgressLoading Even the possibility of it happening is unacceptable. I try cognitive diffusion but when I have frequent intrusive thoughts it is impossible to do. Thank you for your advice though
@nexiec10 That sounds really hard and I’m sorry. Definitely agree that this can feel impossible to do right in the moment of the intrusive thoughts. I’ve had some success with doing this later, in session with my therapist. Putting pen to paper and writing out my fears is super hard for me. But then rewriting using the cognitive defusion wording has helped me distance myself from these thoughts. Something about writing it out is so difficult (“what if someone finds this page and doesn’t understand?!”), then reading it aloud to my therapist feels even worse somehow. But overall, I do feel a little lighter after doing this as an exposure. Something about learning that I am able to tolerate the discomfort and uncertainty of the writing exercise makes me better able to sit with other uncertainties.
@ProgressLoading I had an extremely hard time doing exposures like that and had to refuse to do some. Like writing it down, reading a news story out loud about a mom who killed her kids and changing the name to my name… idk it’s just crazy to me!!! 😵💫 I understand the science of exposures but themes like this just feel utterly impossible for me. 😢
I hear you, I don’t really like it either. I like “I don’t have to solve this” “im free to let this go” “it’s ok to be uncertain”. Hope you feel better soon
As a mom with harm OCD I could have written this myself. It started postpartum and 1 1/2 years later still terrifies me. Know that you are not alone. Praying for you friend 💙
@JM93 Thank you sister! I’m sorry you battle this monster too but it gives me comfort that I’m not alone. I’m praying for you too!!❤️
I have POCD and I feel the same way. I will never be able to accept the possibility of me ever doing or wanting something like that.
I feel the same way with my Relationship ocd I can’t accept a possibility of doing something bad in my relationship :(
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