maladaptive daydreaming + perfectionism

I’ve struggled with OCD since I was a kid, but now that I’m an adult, it shows up in different ways. Because of my low self-esteem and the situation I grew up in, I have hour-long episodes of imagining myself as the perfect person and the person I’ve always wanted to be. Sometimes it’s situations where I’m more in control or I have more respect. It feels almost like I’m a narcissist in my daydreams. Where the perfectionism comes in is that I go through these situations over, and over, and over again until I’ve fallen asleep or someone catches me dissociating. Music helps keep them going. Sometimes, after a movie, I act like the character or I’m interacting with them in my episodes. Because I repeat them over and over, I’ve spent hours doing so. I miss sleep, time with others, or tasks I need to do. I’ve felt alone because of this. No one talks about anything like this. It’s embarrassing to talk about because it shows how low my self-esteem is. I try to give off the "I’m okay," "I’m in control," "I can take care of myself" vibe. Does anyone else go through anything like this?

redwritinghood

Date posted: 12h

i waste days and hours maladaptive daydreaming. my fantasies are much more fantasy realm and not in reality though. i imaging myself as some heroine in a story that i make up over and over and over again. its extremely frustrating and i feel so ashamed that i dont complete or do anything-i just lay there thinking, but at the same time its the only place that i feel safe in because i know what happens and i can control it. the daydreams become obsessive because ill replay scenes over and over to get the line delivery right in my head(?) like if i breath wrong i gotta restart it from the top which wastes even more time. its embarrassing frankly that i prefer to waste away in my mind rather than live. its just so scary out there and im a deeply insecure and sensitive person.

K!ng

Date posted: 9h

@redwritinghood I may not be going through exactly what you are going through, but O.M.G.! Part of me is very sorry you go through that, but another part of me is relieved someone can relate. I do very similar things. I will replay the scene over and over again to make sure the tone, timing, and vibe are perfect (they never are). You mentioned how you would rather live in the fantasies... if I could, I would live in the world that I created. I am even daydreaming writing this. It is a comforting feeling to live in a world that doesn't exist. I am usually smarter, prettier, blah, blah... perfect. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't do all of this, I wouldn't be such an insecure person, because I will never meet the standard of perfect. Thank you for responding to this; I feel a little lighter knowing that I am not so alone. I hope you feel the same way.

Cupake21211

Date posted: 8h

No I get what you mean

Cupake21211

Date posted: 8h

For me it’s not perfect but at one point when I was young I would act as like these toys when very young they were perfect and even created a perfect Character Felicia was perfect in all activities like with toys I would play but yeah now for me it’s as I am not dating so I imagine so that’s different and I don’t really make any perfect charectors but I get what you mean i was awhile ago thinking because I felt maybe that’s what I thought was perfect at that time

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