Racism OCD

This subtype is so awful right now, I feel so sick, last thing I want to be is an awful racist. Younger me cried each time watching a movie regarding racism, and I would always end up sobbing saying it was so unfair. Or whenever someone said something obviously racist, younger me would always yell "Stop it! Just because they're a certain skin color doesn't mean they're _" or "Don't call them that!" I always felt like everyone needs to be included. Then again I grew up in a neighborhood full of black people, it was shady, and that already gives me the fear of accidentally stereotyping, but overall that also gave me exposure to what they would say and such. Because of the majority of the neighborhood was being of black people, when I was younger I thought the n-word was a "cool cuss word" created by black people, or a different version of "bro" plus using it until learning the true meaning. When I re-told my mistake everyone just found it shocking but also thought I was just being a clueless 7 year old kid, nontheless later on the gravity hit and I just felt so sick. Not to mention a long while ago, a close friend of mine said the slur which lead to drama; the passiveness in me, afraid of being seen as a betrayer caused more damage trying to excuse them with a "maybe they didn't mean it in a bad way?" (Err wrong move.) when I should've held them accountable. But I knew it was wrong, and they're still a friend but sometimes I'm worried that just makes me equally as bad. :^( I also just feel like a hypocrite. And what about some of my other close ones who accidentally said it when they were younger not knowing the meaning? Are they racist too, and will I accidentally get them canceled? Am I just forever tainted as a racist? Maybe.. but that label makes me feel both monstrous and afraid to even make close relationships to people who are black due to how internet perceives such mistakes and I'm just afraid they will one day see me as something so horrible. I'm so scared to do anything in fears of getting canceled or something similar, maybe the stories will get twisted and I won't be able to defend myself. But that doesn't scare me as much as the idea of accidentally making black people fear living more, I already feel so disgusted knowing the discrimination they face even today, I don't ever ever ever ever ever want to be part of the reason. (No longer part of the post but as in addition, that's why I have my bio as it is because I mean it. I love and appreciate everyone, no matter their color, overall race, gender, sexuality. Anything all of it, I see everyone as EQUAL and beautiful and just the thought of making anyone feel ashamed of who they are drives me into such pain.)

Real Events OCD

piinthesky

Date posted: Yesterday

We need to value difference and interdependence more in this world since pretty much everyone has something to contribute. It won't be easy to accomplish, however. All we can do is do something small to maybe get the ball rolling.

BlatantWorry

Date posted: 12h

Definitely can see this is tough. Lets try small ERP. Maybe you are racist by using this word. Its possible. Try and just sit with this for a moment. Exclude everything like intent, usage, and simple verbage from your mind and sit with the possibility that you could be racist, cancelled, or bad in general for using the word or versions of it. Literally just let the weight exist. Its hardest to do so but you're still here and still just fine. What you need to focus on is who you are in the present day as thats what matters. If saying the word goes against your values, then don't use it anymore. In contrast, if you still desire to use it humorously with family or friends, or if it carries a deeper connotation through your origins, then use it selectively when you deem fit and trust in the uncertainity of others being able to gauge your intent and goodwill properly. There will always be a level of uncertainity involved especially with both options and the past. But you are more than strong enough to live with and exist alongside this discomfort and live your life in a way that aligns with you. It doesn't need to be figured out, let yourself live life.

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