Racial dysphoria😭😭😭😭???

I’m literally going insane because I don’t know if I’m full black or not. My dad is very lightskinned and my mom is darkskinned and I am lightskinned. I’ve always told ppl that they can’t say a certain word UNLESS they are half black or have atleast 50 percent. Now I’m wondering “what if I’m not black” I’m pretty broke at the moment but AS SOON as I get money I’m getting an Ancestry test and a 23 & me. I used to tell myself I would NEVER get one because I didn’t want a random company to have my DNA. But I’ve used that certain word before multiple times and now I feel like a racist pig 😭plus I keep thinking that my dad looks white so IDK Someone help me. I feel so much guilt for saying it even tho I have a VISIBLY BLACK MOM Now yes I have said ONE other slur before which is the r-slur. I’ve used it from 10-13 and I alr made my peace with the fact that some disabled ppl might forgive me for using it and some will not. I understand that’s apart of life and not EVERYONE has to forgive u for making a mistake when even u were naive. But it’s like I’ve been on a pro-black run since I was ELEVEN! Imagine I did all of that just be like 60 percent white or something IDK

Coati

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey Rinaaa, I'm a white person but I know that the world puts so much pressure on people to be either or, particularly biracial Black men and women. I can only imagine the stress that that creates. My biracial friends and partner tell me that there can be a lot of "you're not X enough" in different communities. All of that is very real. My question for you is: Do you think that who you get to be in this world and who you want to be is determined by an ancestry test? Those tests make a lot of assumptions (not least that certain nationalities correspond with certain "races" which is a looooot to unpack). Is race determined biologically? What would change if you took the test -- and what wouldn't change? would it realistically make the uncertainty go away? Or would it provide momentary relief but the OCD doubts persist? What would happen if instead of seeking certainty (which fuels OCD) you talked to some friends or community who can relate to your questions? You're not alone. An ancestry test does not determine your values. And neither does OCD. Wishing you all the best in grappling with the uncertainty!

Rinaaa

Date posted: Yesterday

@Coati I guess it would be a moment of relief. It’s not JUST about the European ancestry I’m worried about having I’m worried about being a hypocrite. Ever since I’ve had OCD I’ve always had to do something I’ve probably judged someone for because my OCD put me in said position. Saying a slur is like the end all since I want to do certain things with my career that require me getting out there I guess it’s a constant fear of “I’m going to get cancelled in the future” my digital foot print isn’t even that bad for real it’s just constant overthinking

Rinaaa

Date posted: Yesterday

@Coati Also thank u so much OCD community is pretty hidden at the moment because of taboo themes and misinformation and understandings so ANY help from ANY one is appreciated thank you sm ❤️

Coati

Date posted: 13h

@Rinaaa That sounds a lot like moral OCD. I have moral OCD and I live in constant fear of getting canceled too, so this feels somewhat relatable. what's really helped me is writing a lot of scripts with my therapist and sitting with the anxiety. Do you have any professional support right now or are you considering seeking help in the future? I'm wishing you all the help and support to come your way!

titaniumonetwo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

The test won't help you here, let's say it says 80% your mind WILL go... Maybe my 50% is wrong, maybe it's only ok if you're 85%.

Rinaaa

Date posted: Yesterday

@titaniumonetwo Thank you 😊

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