Love my girlfriend but unable to move on from past

My girlfriend and I have been together close to two years. Immediately (two weeks) before we started dating, she was raped. Before that, she was in a sexually abusive relationship with the friend of her rapist. All in all, there are two rapists who got away with what they did, because she never admitted what had happened to her. I can’t stop obsessing over this, and it prevents me from even being a normal presence in her life. It consumes me. Any help or advice is appreciated.

VVbee

Date posted: 18h

First of all, I want to say that I'm really, really sorry for your girlfriend for what she's gone through, I myself have been through similar experiences throughout middle school and because of that I want to maybe try and help you out on this.! Why does this bother you specifically? I don't want to accidentally read into it wrong and spread the incorrect advice.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18h

@VVbee I want to unalive the rapists and every time I enjoy her presence and love her I feel my hatred for what they took from her grow

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18h

@VVbee I should elaborate that it’s like even though I want to move on and just let her be her and process it I keep obsessive compulsively wanting to talk about it and somehow get more information on them that I could use to hold them accountable and I feel like a failure of a man that I wasnt there to stop it from happening and can’t punish them legally

VVbee

Date posted: 16h

@Anonymous When I was going through my situation, there were teachers around. Adults, peers, everyone was there but I wasn't helped or talked to once. It's been years and nothing has really been done still.. we were both kids but the guy hasn't changed whatsoever, he doesn't seem sorry either. Sometimes it happens, the abused doesn't get justice and unfortunately it's common. It shouldn't be that way. Is it preferred that your girlfriend gets the justice she deserves? Absolutely! But please don't feel like you're a failure for not being able to stop what happened or do more about such events, I believe that you're the opposite. Since, really, you're still contributing as a support for her. You're there to make sure she feels safe with you everyday, to make her feel loved and feel as she can finally trust again. And instead of feeling uncontrollable fury every second, take those feelings and direct it into giving your girlfriend the best life moving forward! Take her to fun and romantic places, be affectionate and loving, do actions of kindness and make her feel like the luckiest girlfriend ever. Also many victims cope in different ways, so if she doesn't want to talk about the situation, let it be.. don't push the information out, it may cause more distress. Just be there for her. I hope all goes amazing for the both of you. :^)

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16h

@VVbee Thank you

titaniumonetwo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17h

Your desire to have the people who did this to your girlfriend punished (or more) is understandable and I know this is hard but at this point your girlfriend needs you to love her more than you hate them. If she wants your help getting them prosecuted in the future then certainly help her but right now focus on loving her. It may be worth considering some counselling for her though, that's an extremely traumatic experience but I'll leave others who are more knowledgeable than me to opine on that

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16h

@titaniumonetwo I’ve urged her towards getting counseling, and she’s attended a few appointments, but talks now like she doesn’t know is she needs it, even though she tells me she randomly remembers what happened to her. There is no evidence now and neither her, me, or her parents see any path to prosecution. It happened long enough ago and she was only able to actually talk about it less than a year ago that it is basically unprosecutable. My mind has a really hard time accepting this and it does sometimes feel like my rage towards them coincides with my affection towards her

XwitnessX

Date posted: 12h

It’s an incredibly sad situation for your girlfriend who is struggling with all of this in her own way, even if she doesn’t feel it all right now. I would encourage sensitivity to the subject around her and not try to pry or ask questions around it. If justice is what you seek, advocate, speak out and check your friends if they ever behave in any similar ways. Focus on loving your partner and treating her with the care and consideration she deserves. Over time, this is what will help in her healing journey. I’m so sorry again for what happened to her and hope the evil people that did this get the day they deserve 🙌

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