Legalism/Scrupulosity

I haven’t shared on here in a while. I was raised in a very legalistic church. At 18 I had my first really bad onset of ocd. I got on meds and was fine until 32 when I got pregnant and off my meds. I have always struggled w my relationship w God bc of the legalism and underlying ocd. I used performance and rule following to stay in check. Everything fell apart after my second pregnancy at 33. I was misdiagnosed other things on top of the ocd. I was in the psych hospital 6 times in 5 years. I underwent erp but it never worked. I did ECT, TMS, Ketamine, neurofeedback, and was prescribed over a 100 different meds w in this time. Doctors were giving up on me. I got a divorce a year and a half ago. My last psych hospital visit was a year and a half ago. I started therapy w an ERP therapist last August who has gone through scrupulosity ocd before. She integrated grace, human imperfection and gods love into our sessions. I also weened down on all crazy meds except 200mg of Zoloft and .25mg of klonopin 2x a day. Progress has been slow. I’m very frustrated w where I am but have made a lot of progress. I can drive, volunteer at a nursing home a few hours a day, have knocked down researching to about an hour a day, follow a little routine my therapist has given me. My goal is to recover, go back to school and get my OT to work in a nursing home and get joint custody of my boys. I still wake up dreading every single day, but I have come so far. The hardest part is accepting I am imperfect, that god loves me unconditionally, I can’t change my past and I don’t know what my future looks like. I’m still struggling w my relationship with god. Love and prayers for all of us in this community. All we can do is keep going. God has carried me this far. He will see me through.