So-ocd or sexuality crisis

Warning: mentions of sex This basically started with me trying to improve my sex life with a guy I was with and then I saw someone say they couldn’t orgasm during sex either and that’s how they realized they were gay. Cue the spiral. I did research, took quizzes, was checking for attraction but got freaked out because initially it felt like I was attracted to every woman I saw, even women I knew who I never thought about that way before. I got really freaked out by comphet because that meant I couldn’t feel relief by thinking about my past attraction history. After months of this I’m wondering if this is actually ocd if those compulsion didn’t provide relief. I think the only one that does is reading people’s stories on this app or the HOCD subreddit who are similar to mine and have recovered.

anca

Date posted: 12h

The pattern of having an obsession and doing things to get relief is the ocd pattern. In my experience, compulsions like ruminating and trying to figure it out are bound to backfire and bring up more anxiety right away because your ocd will have an argument to anything you might come up with. Also, sometimes you can spend 10 straight hours going over something in a compulsive way before you start feeling a bit of relief (speaking from experience) and because it takes such a long time for the compulsion to work even just a little, you might feel like it didn't. And even if they do make you feel better right away, sometimes your ocd will fight back so fast that you don't even register that you felt relieved for a second. I have so-ocd as well and I go through this too with comphet making my past experiences not valid arguments but nothing feels like a valid argument for an ocd brain anyway. I've also doubted wether it's ocd or not because rumination was making me more anxious, you're not alone in having these doubts, but they are another way ocd is trying to get you.

lulu2247

Date posted: 11h

@anca Thanks for replying!! I totally get what you mean. I’m frustrated because I can see other ocd patterns like how ocd moves goalposts. I’ll get comfortable with the sexually intrusive thoughts and dreams not meaning anything and then bam I’m obsessed with comphet again. Or I’ll tell myself that sometimes sexual thoughts are arousing because it’s sex but then when I experience good feelings with the guy I’m seeing it uses that same reasoning to say you’re not actually attracted to him your body just got aroused by sex. Like I’ll use arousal non concordance as reassurance but then my ocd also uses it to cast doubt. And I know that’s disordered thinking but it still feels so real. I also don’t think it helps like I feel like I can relate to late bloomer lesbian stories. It feels like a lot of people on here are just afraid of it happening in the future but don’t actually relate to any of it. When I’m not anxious I do feel like I have moments of clarity but then the doubt creeps back in. And honestly it does feel like it’s always there in the background

anca

Date posted: 3h

@lulu2247 This is exactly my experience too, you're not alone. A lot of so-ocd stories are not relatable to me either because I lack the illogical what if part if that makes sense. And I'm very confused about my attraction too for the same reason. Whenever I imagine sth with a guy and it feels good I end up thinking it's just because it's sex and it's not because of him. Or if I see a sex scene with a man and a woman in a movie or sth and I like it my mind tells it's just because there is a woman in it. It's exhausting. And the little moments of clarity when I think I definetly want to be with a guy feel to small compared to the doubt that is always there. Also, my doubt doesn't really come in terms of what if, but in terms of intrusive feelings and it makes it even more scary. Like, if I imagine myself being happy with a guy in the future, my ocd suddenly induces this feeling of nothingness that I imagine I would feel if I were to realize that I don't love him romantically. And it causes me so much grief everyday.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13h

Its ocd. People don't just find out or turn. They always were. That person was probably saying that on purpose to hurt you.

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