I’m in this phase with my sexual based ocd where I’m pretty much constantly aware/feeling a physical feeling. It’s so sick and awful and scary and I’m trying to remind myself that it’s just OCD or even if it’s not it’s not connected to my obsession but every time I move or do anything I feel like I’m trying to make myself feel that way on purpose. I feel so awful.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

i'm suffering so much, i don't know if this is only OCD but i can'f do this. i'mm to frustrated to even type or do anything so ignroe the awful spelling. i'm so sick of this, i keep having such extreme urge in my hands to move, also in my arms & legs. it's a stmptom of medicatuon that i had but i had it before & still jow it keeps getting worse. every sibgle thought intrusive or not keeps yelling at me, i have no rest, i can't rest. i can physically feel every single thought, i want to crawl out of my body. i have the urge to touch everything , i cant do this sorry im feeling so fucking awful. i feel weird. pleadhelpme i already spoke about this with someone & i tried to test some things out but its still just so extreme. i cant do anything at the moment jot even lay down, half if this is OCD half is bot i dont even care i keep attemtping anythunv to make it go away

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.