Sad

Last night I laid in bed and sobbed in the fetal position while my husband held me. I go throughout the day trying to be positive, but it feels so forced and I fall flat. I have been putting so much pressure on myself to do the exposures correctly that I feel like it’s being sabotaged. I go about my day, go to work, run errands, socialize, but it doesn’t feel the same way it used to. I feel like I am spectator in a world passing by me. Like an imposter like I don’t deserve to move on. I grieve that I have OCD as I am sure a lot of people with OCD do. I want all of this to go away and I can’t fully accept that this is my life, but I try to hold onto glimmers of hope that maybe it gets better because it has to get better. This flare has been so painful. My family is who I am pushing forward for everyday. I hate waking up in the morning knowing that I have to face this daily. Additionally, I feel like everything is a compulsion and my mind is so noisy all the time. I have always had random song lyrics on loop and I am a thinker by nature. I would not wish this on literally anyone. I am really working on giving myself compassion, but that even feels fake. No one can save me but me. There is no easy fix, but through.

Miguel mighty

Date posted: 19h

This is part of dealing with uncertainty on a daily basis but this is life - as a friendly reminder probably your family goes through this as well just maybe not as intense as we do - so instead of overthinking about it - move to the next goal it could be actions to enjoy your day even alone what does make you feel better go deep and find space between your ocd ! ✨

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

@Miguel mighty Thank you! I ended up watching a new tv series that I was going to watch and the afternoon felt better than the morning.

Christian.

Date posted: 19h

You are not alone in feeling like this! Please try to be kind to yourself, you are doing everything in your power to keep pushing through. OCD is miserable it is but you are not alone and it is treatable. Lean on the people around you. Therapy WILL help, patience. Be kind to yourself. You are not alone!

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

@Christian. Thank you for reaching out. Today this morning felt heavy, but the afternoon felt lighter. It’s amazing how it ebbs and flows throughout this process. I really tried not to ruminate as much today as that is my biggest hurdle.

Christian.

Date posted: 11h

@Anonymous Your welcome! I’m glad you had time feeling lighter. Good job with that today! It will get better! You aren’t alone fighting this!

Mieshe

Date posted: 19h

The beauty of this...is that you are not alone. Those of us with OCD can all relate with each other. This disorder, I have found is not unique...even though it is an isolating and debilitating disorder and makes you feel alone. When I read and learn more about other people's loops, obsessions, etc...I have found they are common to us all. That helped me start to really observe my obsessions and compulsions from a different perspective..allowing the noise to quiet down. It allows me to be more accepting of it...none of us want to be this way, and especially not for our entire lives, but just as ERP teaches; we may be or we may not and we can live with that uncertainty. When we accept this, we take power from the obsessions and the false "alarms". It starts to become smaller and smaller as we start to become more and more of the authority over it. Just as OCD lives in us...so does the authority and power to treat it and put it down. I used to be afraid of it. I am now seeing it as a huge monster...like those you see in kids movies..who is just scared..feeling unsafe...and lashing out. Who, once you see it, allow it, accept it, it starts to soften and shrink. Then comes the plot twist..turns out, for me and my story, after the shrinking, I see that the monster is me...as a child. Once I see that, I am able to hug that child and soothe her, letting her know that she is OK, she is safe, and she is able to live through discomfort. It's not easy...therapy is not easy...practicing ERP is uncomfortable...and it will not just go away like we are praying for. But it's so worth it to show up every day, with laced up bootstraps, ready to allow and sit in the discomfort climate comes our way. We are worth it. Our family and friends are worth it. And the people like us are worth doing it for. My therapist said something profound to me. She said "discomfort does not equal danger". This has helped me in so many variable situations! If I start to feel uncomfortable with anything and my internal alarm system starts triggering and amping, I will say this out loud! Some days, I catch it quickly..some days I don't and that is ok! I hope and pray this gives you hope in your day today. Remember this time will not be wasted. There are others that will come to this thread, reaching out exactly the way you have, that will need your testimony to help comfort them 🙏❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

@Anonymous Thank you for your support. I ended up taking the afternoon easy and watching a new series I was looking forward to. There were times I became anxious but I was able to sit with it. I also engaged in less rumination so I consider that a win for today.

Worry less t...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19h

I have been there. You are in control. Control of your erp. Control of how you choose.

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

@Worry less tks 2 Nocd Thank you! This is true. I attempted erp again this afternoon and did not beat myself up as much about trying to do everything perfect. I also ruminated less today so that is progress.

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