Do I cut off, or am I a hypocrite

Not so long ago, maybe 2 years ago my friend was exposed on saying the N word. An ex friend who's white got upset and immediately cut off contact, which caused a bit of drama since she told me to tell them it wasn't meant in a derogatory way and the ex friend is white so they can't be upset. I at the time followed through with a "I don't know the context but they said that it wasn't meant to be derogatory I'm sorry, 😅 I kind of talked to them, keep in mind I don't say it myself. It's not really the best." To the ex friend. My friend also laughed it off with the group and I just didn't know what to do other than fit in and go along. Later on my friend apologized, and overall they don't align with racism, but ever since it's been recently killing me and I feel as if I did all of that myself, especially since I just hung out with them like normal after it? And with my current subtype it's amplified to a crazy lot. It sucks even more knowing that I unintentionally said it when I was 7, 9? or a bit older or younger, since I wasn't aware of the history. But I feel like a hypocrite and racist, even with morals always being to being loving towards all from the earliest days of my life. My other close ones have gone through similar mistakes, I just don't know what to do. Especially with people saying that "if you're friends with a horrible person, you aren't any better" which leads to consider cutting them off? They aren't actively hateful but that situation is deemed as serious. They're also always there for me and are nice to me, so I feel evil but if I say that I also feel like I'm treating it as nothing again. I HATE how much those things were enabled in my life too, I wish that from the start someone would tell me "even if it's seemed as unserious, don't ever take it as such!!" Instead I was told "You're _ so it wouldn't be bad if you said it" and I ended up confessing and exaggerating my real events turned into recently discovered false memories and the response was only shock and maybe a quick chuckle. Because now I'm just ruminating over all of my events (some of them not even real, rather than falsely told but now I can't tell) and I'm stressing over someone else's event, if I was given a reality check I would've done so much more to the situation! I hate being passive because it led me to being an enabler. But now if I do cut them off, I'll be exposed myself and seen as a hypocrite. I just don't know what to do, ugh.

Real Events OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 14h

It sounds like you’re stuck in a loop about it! Worrying about being evil and a hypocrite. While that would be a dealbreaker for me, I can also see why someone would not cut off a friendship over that. It’s so hard to know where you want to land on the issue because of the moral weight of it, which just feeds the loop, but I would try to keep in mind that it is not a question of good and evil. It’s complex. Not black and white. (Unfortunately!)

VVbee

Date posted: 12h

It's so much to think about, and so many questions and what to decide it's really stressful,, but I really appreciate this input, I'll continue to think about it while not going too overboard. : )

garlicgorl13

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13h

The n slur is derogatory, it doesn't make it better that it was said by a white person. If they did better, seemed genuinely apologetic I could see forgiving them. But if those behavior continued it's a no go for me personally.

VVbee

Date posted: 12h

Thank you, they seem to have never done it again after that. So as of now, I've been a bit distant just recently this week due to my OCD while still remaining as friends. It's so difficult since they've been with me for a long time, and I have so many mixed opinions due to how all of it just went. But I do know that if it's done again in the future I will react much differently. 😓

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