What’s going on with me?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years, and lately my feelings around him have become really confusing. Sometimes I feel happy when I see him, want to be close to him, want to kiss him, laugh and talk with him, or notice that he’s handsome and cute. Other times I feel completely normal, tired, blank, heavy, avoidant, annoyed, or disconnected, and then I immediately start wondering what that means. One thing that confuses me is that sometimes I’ll see him and naturally feel happy, but then the feeling disappears quickly. I might think he’s cute or handsome but not get the strong “AWWW he’s so cute” feeling I remember having before. Sometimes I look at him and feel lucky or think he’s amazing, but then afterward I feel empty and start wondering where the feeling went. change. Sometimes I really want to kiss him or hold his hand, and I’ve even spontaneously kissed him without planning it. Other times he tries to touch me and I don’t want to be touched, especially when I’m tired, annoyed, overstimulated, or in public. His touch can sometimes feel strangely unfamiliar even though we’ve been together for a long time. Sometimes I enjoy his touch and it feels warm, while other times I feel like backing away or think “stop.” Then I start questioning whether I actually like being close to him. I’ve also had moments where I felt “annoyed “with him. For example, he’s joked around with me when I was already irritated, gotten lost or confused, tripped, been in someone’s way, or done something that made it seem like he’s “embarrassing “ but whenever I look back at it , it’s like he’s a small cute guy . I’ve called him annoying or said something mean when I was angry and then felt bad afterward. Sometimes I apologize but don’t feel the amount of emotion I think I should feel. Then my brain asks whether I don’t care about him anymore. We’ve also had normal disagreements. Sometimes we give each other the silent treatment when we’re upset, but later we talk, smile, reconnect, and act normally again. I can be mad at him and still want to be near him.A big part of this has been my thoughts about our future. My brain will suddenly say things like, “Are we even going to last?” or “Maybe I’ll leave him.” Sometimes I’ve deliberately tested what it would feel like to tell my mom that I wanted to leave him, and the scenario became emotionally convincing. Then when something about our future comes up like my mom mentioning senior portraits together or my boyfriend joking about becoming my future family I start questioning whether my reaction was genuine or whether I forced myself to feel happy about it.Sometimes I’ll see something online or hear someone say something like “leave relationships you’ve outgrown,” and my brain immediately asks whether I’ve outgrown my boyfriend. If someone says something about young love or relationships not lasting, my brain can suddenly give me a heavy feeling and make the possibility feel real.I’ve also noticed that when I’m with my boyfriend, sometimes I feel like I’m avoiding him even though I don’t necessarily know why. I’ll get a heavy or doubtful feeling and think, “Why don’t I want to be near him?” Then I’ll later walk with him, talk, laugh, or reconnect and feel differently.There are also moments where I feel completely normal around him. Sometimes he texts me and I don’t feel excited, especially when I’m exhausted. Sometimes I wake up and see his messages and barely react. Other times I get happy when I see him, wonder where he is, want to talk to him, or think about things I want to tell him. I’ve noticed that I keep comparing my reactions to what I think I should feel. I wonder why I’m not excited enough, why I’m not jealous enough, why I don’t automatically think he’s cute, why I don’t feel melted when he touches me, why I can be annoyed with him, or why I don’t feel strongly when he says “I love you. Also I can’t tell if I’m testing or not it just happens and I also feel normal but with heavy feeling