When I was 10 year old i have not felt happy leave happy not even fine please ( ofc the severity wasn’t that much when I was 10 it increased every year and reached upto a point where i collapsed functionally) in 4th std i started pulling my hair and went bald then hair came back this pattern repeated and till now I break my hair.
Since childhood, I have felt unusually fearful and hyper arousal hyper alert hypersensitive compared to other people around me. Loud voices, scolding, tension, and anger affect me very deeply, others REALLY seem completely fine IF IT HAPPENS TO THEM (that I observed) THAT CONFUSED ME A LOT. Am i being over sensitive,over emotional because that was what i had been told. Whenever someone raised their voice at me, I would automatically freeze, feel terrified, and sometimes cry without being able to control My nervous system reacts very strongly to anger and loud tones. ( i think or a strong guess my genes are a contributing factor) like predisposition.
In social situations and family gatherings, I would often become extremely quiet and unable to speak naturally. I constantly felt aroused and alert . Even small things, like someone not responding to me properly, could make me anxious and overthink for hours.
For most of my life, I felt trapped in fear internally. My mind was constantly filled with “what if” thoughts, catastrophic thinking, and hyper-vigilance. I remembered emotional experiences and details from years ago very clearly.
A major experience happened on May 10, 2020, when I was alone at home watching TV. One scene triggered and I Suddenly started crying automatically for no obvious reason that scene triggered something because i didn’t get emotional watching that scene. So it was automatic like my body was crying. Then I experienced a vivid auditory flashback when I was around 13 years old — it was of my aunt speaking something loudly. Immediately after that flashback, something changed inside me.
For the first time in my life, my body felt relaxed and alive. My chest felt lighter, as if a huge amount of fear had left my body. For the first time my mind became calm and quiet. I stopped catastrophizing, felt emotionally safe, confident, comfortable, and mentally clear. Loud voices no longer terrified me during that period. An example of that would be -when my father came home and scolded me with loud voice for leaving the TV, AC, and lights on, I noticed that I was simply listening to him normally instead of freezing in fear like I usually would. After 20 years I experienced safety 20 years.
That peaceful and confident state lasted for about three hours only. Afterwards, my body and mind returned to the same fearful and hyper vigilant state I had always known.
Later, while doing somatic or body-focused work, I experienced similar moments four more times, where my chest would suddenly feel lighter and my thoughts would become calm and positive. During those moments, I felt emotionally safe and no longer trapped inside fear. However, those states also lasted a few minutes before disappearing again.
In 2022, I had another unusual experience. For almost an entire day, I felt separated from my fear instead of merged with it. I could observe fear rising inside me every few seconds, but I was not feeling it. It was as if I was watching the fear as an observer happening inside my body instead of fully becoming it. That experience made me realise that fear seems to operate in the background inside maybe all the time, even when I am not consciously aware of it.
I have tried Escitalopram sertraline Paroxetine Desvenlafaxine vilazodone fluoxetine bupropion but none worked vortioxetine tianeptine endoxifen 3 worked Paroxetine for one day Vortioxetine for 5 minutes and Wellbutrin for one day but next day I got rashes. I tried Lamotrigine but I am so tired of taking medicines that i stopped midway didn’t go to its effective dose. I am tired of trying medicines.
I have really suffered and from 7-8 years finding solutions on my own. Whatever I have done to find my problem I have done it alone. Taking medications from psychiatrist waiting to work but none worked.
Found one good psychologist in January 2026 she says i have chronic anxiety with ocd
But when i joined NOCD APP AND PUT MY QUERY SOMEONE SAID ITS MENTAL COmPULSIONS
PSYCHOLOGISTsays i have intrusive thoughts BUT I doubt that ) but still thankful to that psychologist who introduced me to OCD i knew the term but i have it in me i didn’t know.
According to me intrusive thoughts are —
What i can tell is -thoughts that suddenly appear in your mind or pops up and you are not even thinking about it. That also goes against your values I don’t think its very much strong if it’s there ( i don’t know) but thoughts don’t pop up that i know.
In my case what i can tell—i had anxiety first ( due to genes ,environmental factors plus many more factors) ?? From childhood i worried about real life situations hyper arousal hyper vigilance and ‘what ifs’ taken to catastrophization level then after that I developed oc many years later
I’ll give you one situation —If I am going to make a dish —Due to my chronic anxiety and self critical nature I have already decided it won’t turn out to be good. So all the what ifs comes and i have oc so what is the EXACT right amount of salt to put so my dish doesn’t taste bad. What if i added too much salt so i need to know the exact amount of salt to put in a dish. I think thats how i developed oc after many years from being super anxious to having oc patterns in me because both disturbed me a lot.
First i had chronic anxiety that led to OC thats what i have found out ( my best diagnosis after going to psychiatrists and finally finding one good psychologist in 2026 ) so spent almost 7 years to find what i have. Because now i need reassurances and what ifs comes plus mental rumination doesn’t stop.
Do you think it’s Mental compulsions or obsession also??
