Spiralling about real event ZOCD

Hey guys this is an extremely mortifying thing for me to post and I may delete this later but I've been spiralling for weeks and months about this specific thing and I desperately want some connection or support, or at least would like to know I'm not alone :( TW for taboo and porn talk // 18+ please I had completely unrestricted internet access as a kid, and at ages 10-12, I don't remember exactly, I remember finding a term on Youtube which I knew was taboo but I was curious, so I searched it on Google, and I watched that content. It was porn with women and animals and it was EXTREMELY easy to find. I didn't really understand how bad it was. I would watch porn from pretty much every category through my teen years, this was never the only thing I watched, but I would still watch it sometimes until I realized how disgusting and wrong it was. I stopped it completely at 16/17 years old. Several years later, I randomly remembered it and now this is absolutely tormenting me and I don't know how to move forward. The guilt is relentless and I keep getting flashbacks to this content. It's absolutely sickening. I don't even watch porn today. You can't find other abuse content online easily so I don't understand why this was so easy to access. I think because I could find it so easily, I didn't think it was "that bad". I feel sick that it took me so long to realize it was wrong. I'm getting a ton of ZOCD intrusive thoughts now and I'm spiralling into compulsions from that side of things too. I can't really access therapy right now and I feel so alone.

Chlover612

Date posted: Yesterday

I think this is a pretty common experience for those that grew up with the early days of unrestricted internet access, where everything was easy to find and there were a lot less restrictions in general. Being morbidly curious doesn’t make you a bad person. Clearly you have grown to be a different person, and you did stop once you knew it was bad. That’s a good thing. Many younger people have experienced this exact same scenario, especially those that had extra time and lots of curiosity, so you are not alone. The guilt will still pop up, you may even get flashbacks and your whole body will cringe, but I like to think those are good signs. “Clearly it doesn’t align with my morals or who I am anymore or else it wouldn’t be so horrible to remember” is something I’ll say to the feelings or thoughts.

Eclipseshroom

Date posted: Yesterday

This helps a lot, I really appreciate this response thank you ❤️

SsB

Date posted: Yesterday

I had an older boyfriend when I was younger who got me addicted to porn. It was BAD. While I have havent watched porn in years, I too very much struggle with flashbacks and guilt and feeling sick for things I watched. You aren't alone 🤍 I agree with Chlover612, the horrible feeling is a good sign. It shows its not who you are. Im here if you want to talk more!

Eclipseshroom

Date posted: Yesterday

It's so hard, it feels like my entire adolescence is contaminated by it and I'm spiralling constantly with it, I really appreciate the response thank you ❤️❤️

💝

Date posted: 11h

I also grew up with unrestricted internet access growing up. I also saw a lot of porn that I accidentally stumbled into (Brony fandom in the 2010s was terrible with censorship) and curiously searched for. I get intrusive thoughts about that stuff I saw allll the timeee. It is not our fault we were not supervised or limited to what was on the internet.

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