Real event

As someone who also suffers from real event OCD I can tell you that what you've described is how I felt for the longest time. Just know you're not alone and I hope you're able to get through this

I feel like I could have written this actually I relate so much. Idk how to help but over time it gets a little better

Hey, I've been in this exact boat and I know exactly how you're feeling. I did a few things which all fell into the same theme/subtype and it's felt like such compelling evidence that I was truly actually that person. Real event is a very tormenting theme, but you aren't alone at all. ❤️ All I can say is that whatever you did, however terrible it is, you did it when you were much much younger and had a much less developed brain and moral compass. Whatever you enjoyed, were aroused by, even if you fantasized about it, you were a young person who did not have the capacity to understand the depth or the weight of what you were doing, and it does not define who you were or who you are today. All young people do stupid stuff, stuff they might deem terrible later on, because we are learning and exploring and haven't fully figured ourselves out yet, especially if we were exposed to stuff growing up. It does get better, I hope you feel lighter soon.