Past mistakes / too many real events

Title says it all. I just feel like I was the worst child ever. Ive grown out of a lot of the problems ive had since then (a lot of which stemmed from early exposure and addiction to porn) and have tried to do my best to atone for the mistakes ive made but I really just feel so undeserving of life. I feel 50/50 on whether or not I should confess my wrongdoings to everyone i care about. On one hand I feel like I deserve to be judged and I dont want to be a liar by just keeping this to myself, especially since some of them are really quite terrible (see last post for further context). On the other hand, however, I know it's a compulsion and dragging up the past might just harm others in the process. I also feel extremely guilty because a part of me also feels like maybe I should just move on because there are people who care about and depend on me now so I should just try to keep living for their sake at least and try to atone for my past mistakes in the process. But then I stop and think about that and it just feels like I dont want to ruin the good image they have of me. Idk im so lost on what to do

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3d

I relate to what you're talking about, especially the mentions of early exposure to porn. I feel a lot of guilt and shame over that and I can't help but let it build up. Confessing is a compulsion and I'm sure you're aware of that. It may even be something you don't want to do deep down. I also think to means what if I just try and move on and not be so judgemental of myself because there are more people than I think that feel the same way. It's just hard to believe that because of lack of confidence. Sorry this is bothering you so much

anonymouswal...

Date posted: 3d

Thanks for your kind words. I just wish I had grown up with a healthy relationship to sex and was never addicted to porn. I feel like it would've prevented a lot of harm that I either caused or received, not to say it's an excuse just that it did have a lot of impact on me and why I started seeking that stuff out. It sucks too cause while I now have a much better understanding of how to be appropriate and respect boundaries and whatnot, Im still on and off dealing with going back to adult content. I want to stop completely but as soon as I find myself in a big spiral I end up going back :/ Idk it's all so hard and I genuinely feel like my mistakes are too terrible for me to just keep going

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3d

@anonymouswallflower I wish I had that too. It was just something that was never talked about growing up and when I wanted to learn about it, it was either treated as something I'm not supposed to know about or something bad, so I just connected that to a lot of shame. High school was also an extremely rough time for me and the only way to really cope with it was through porn. I still carry porn as a coping mechanism now just for an escape. Like you I'm on and off of it but sometimes I binge on it really heavily because the urges are just hard to ignore. Have you ever talked about this in therapy?

anonymouswal...

Date posted: 3d

@BigGyro09 Only a little bit, but for the most part I kind of avoid talking about it as much as I can. I get really embarrassed and ashamed. It doesn't help that I have selective mutism, a kind of anxiety where Im unable to speak in certain situations. Ive texted my therapist about my previous experiences with porn when I was having a big spiral, but we've never really chatted in length about how to properly approach dealing with this addiction and deal with my shame attached to watching certain kinds of things. Im planning on messaging her later today, I feel like Im not really moving forward in my OCD journey because Im holding a lot of stuff back and barely even addressing it. Again though, it's just so hard cause I feel like I dont deserve to seek out treatment. Idk hopefully once I message my therapist I'll start moving in the right direction. I hope you're able to get help as well btw!! Porn addiction is so terrible and is unfortunately barely ever talked about.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3d

@anonymouswallflower The shame keeps you from talking about it. You should open up about it at your own pace. You have to get over the hurdle of shame over and over to your therapist. I have to do it too. OCD and shame can make it feel like you don't deserve help and that's a really tough feeling to deal with. I agree, it's unfortunately not talked about enough

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