Relationship ocd

I talk compulsively. I wish I knew what advice to give. "End the conversation and walk away" is the right move, but I know that once it's happening, you're already past the ability to stop. I don't know what to do in that moment. I can tell you that very likely there's some old wound that you're protecting. Like an inner child who feels hurt or threatened by you boyfriend in some way, even though your rational mind sees no reason for him to be a threat. So maybe the meanness is to keep him from getting close to that vulnerable part of you again. And then the compulsiveness takes over as well. Again, I don't have much advice for that, other than try to feel into what the fear is, where it comes from, if there's an age you were when this wound really hit. Your therapist can help you here. Something that can help your relationship in general- a way to do damage control- is to do weekly debriefs. You and your boyfriend set a regular time to sit doen together, get into your most mature mindset, and then discuss any issue, big or small. So if there was an incident earlier in the week where you were uncontrollably mean, you can apologize from a calm and loving space. And if any other issues are starting to emerge, you two can figure out how to handle them before they come to a head. Sometimes it's good just to let each other be heard, even if you can't find any solutions. My partner and I have done this for years. Now a lot of old conflicts don't arise, because we understand each others' triggers and how to keep things smooth. For example, I tend to assume I'm being criticized when he's just asking a question, which triggers me. The solution that works is for him to preface questions with "I'm not judging you, I'm just asking so I know..." That stops me from being triggered without him having to go out of his way to walk on eggshells. So how we would handle your situation is: I get compulsively mean to him. A few days later, at our scheduled debrief, I say, "I'm sorry about being mean to you the other day, let's talk about it" or maybe he'll be the one to bring up "you hurt my feelings the other day." Then we'd talk it out. He'd describe how he felt and I'd hold space for that. We'd try to come up with a better way to handle things in the moment, though for something like this, there might not be anything that is under my ability to control yet. I'd say "I wish I could promise it won't happen again, but I don't know where it comes from. I'm working on it in NOCD though. And I'm genuinely sorry I hurt you." This builds a more secure framework for the relationship overall, even when there are ongoing incidents. Until you can get to the root of the compulsive meanness, at least you'll have damage control, clear communication, and a route to negotiate once you figure out what it is you need. And it builds trust, because even if you can't help some things yet, other issues will come up in debrief that you CAN improve on. So your boyfriend will learn, "4 out of 10 things I brought up, turned into a positive change. She's really trying, even if she's still working on things. When she understands more about her meanness, that will change, too." (And ofc it goes both ways- you have equal right to say he's doing something you don't like, and seek a solution. The fact you have a dignosis or are "in the wrong" doesn't make you any less deserving of love, compromise, etc. You're two adults in an equal partnership trying to figure out how to love and support each other through all the hard times.)