my disorder alienated me from everyone else.

The majority of OCD awareness and stories I've seen are truthful and serious. I always send support to those who are struggling no matter the severity or subtype... but I feel really alone in the overall community. (Ps. You guys obviously aren't the issue, this community is really kind.. 💜💜💜 I mean it by experience wise.) I experience common subtypes and fears, such as "What if I left _ out, What if _ happens, What if..." or "I'm scared I feel _, I don't want to _ but I still get thoughts of it" and etc. But at the same time I rarely hear people who say that they struggle with Real Events, events that DID happen and not the fear of it happening. The feeling of being the most evil person ever,, there's a couple of you guys who experience the same here but I NEVER see the same outside of this app. I feel like my Real Events make me iredeemable and I'm worse than everyone else even though I don't want to be. I hate my past so much, to where my present feels tainted and it just makes me want to leave earth. My own name feels tainted knowing that it's a part of me, apart of my life.. I laugh when people make jokes of my name or just pronounce it, but deep inside I feel gross and dirty. Even my nickname is now tainted, and I'm trying to come up with a new way to call myself that only I can say as a solution. Or with my other main themes, obsession with my looks. Not in an insecurity way but in a way that I feel wrong, that I don't belong at my family since I'm scared I'm just so different and BASIC looking which leads to ancestry OCD. (Which has gotten REALLY time consuming.) I've never met anyone who's experienced the same issue. Or maybe about my obsession with colors, personality, self presentation. Etc.. And of course I'm dealing with the usual Taboo OCD, POCD, Racism OCD, Moral OCD, False Memory, Gender OCD and SO-OCD is resurfacing, and Contamination OCD has gotten me again, thanks to one of my classes at school. And more. And with younger/8( 9 ) year old me,, don't get me started with the sad and interesting situations I've gotten into because of OCD. I don't know. I just feel like even many people with OCD might find me insane. :^( I can't depict myself as anything else but a different species lunatic now.