For any Christians out there

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I am a Christian as well . I struggle with whether I’m truly saved. I know I’m a sinner, and I have asked him to forgive me. I know He is the way , the truth, and the Life. I just feel like i don’t “feel”” my sin enough like i should. I compare myself to others and think Im not as bad as them, and because I have that thought I automatically think oh that means I think I’m not a sinner . I’ve dealt with this since I was a teenager . I am 59 years old and just got diagnosed with OCD 2 years ago. I now realize a lot of this is OCD ( black and white/doubting disorder), yet it still can put me in a spiral. When I hear a Pastor say something about the moment you made the decision to follow Jesus. I have so many moments because I doubt whether I meant it or I don’t truly know how sinful I am.

I have not gotten better with God. I prayed as a kid when the abuse was too much to bear, wishing I’d never been born. God did not answer, nor assist me. Since then, I am financially stable, have a loving family, interned & got promoted at a corporate office of a big construction company, get my Bachelors in May, and am finding out most of the kids who grew up LDS, have since left the church, almost all the ones I know. Raised and living in Utah currently.

Yes, I just found out about it about 3 weeks ago and it has a name- scrupulosity. Would love to talk more with others in the faith about it. It has been challenging trying to tease out the normal disciplines of our faith (praying, reading, etc) and when it jumps over to compulsion.