mental contamination ocd

i’m currently waiting for work to start but i just need to vent. i’m not trying to hunt for reassurance. for the past week i’ve been having this intense ocd spiral that has made it really hard to enjoy things i love. it started off when i was waiting in line at a concert and said in my head “im so excited to engage in my hyperfixation when i get home!” and then i was met with a feeling of excitement followed by immediate dread. since that day, now i have immense dread when i engage in my hyperfixations due to the idea that ive been “contaminating” my it with my own negative thoughts and associations, and now my excitement is just a mix of excitement and weird dread and panic. anyone else relate to something similar??

1234bre

Date posted: 2d

i can definitely relate to this, just in a slightly different way! i struggle with harm ocd and intrusive thoughts, and i’ve noticed that my ocd tends to attach itself to the things and people i love most. sometimes i’ll be having a perfectly good day, enjoying myself, and then an intrusive thought will pop into my head and completely change how i feel in that moment. instead of just enjoying what i’m doing, i start feeling anxious, guilty, or uncomfortable. i’ve also noticed that sometimes it’s not even the thought itself anymore, but the fear of having another intrusive thought that makes it hard to enjoy things. it’s definitely a work in progress, but you’re not alone in experiencing something like this!

_morgana_

Date posted: Yesterday

@breaunna thank you for your reply, this was so great (not so great that we both suffer but we all at least have one another) to hear that none of us are alone!! :) and i def relate to the sudden change in mood from an intrusive thought. ocd affects and attaches itself to the things i love as well! i start to develop this feeling of deep shame or weird fight or flight that makes me feel like me enjoying that thing is wrong, or sometimes the sudden anxiety gets so bad i worry i’ll go crazy. like i will also enjoy my interests but then out of nowhere im met with a pang of dread that replaces the joy and then i worry ive conditioned myself to feel feelings of dread and negativity when i engage in my hobbies. its so weird. why is ocd like this 😭

1234bre

Date posted: 20h

@_morgana_ i relate to this so much!! 😭 especially the part about feeling like you’ve conditioned yourself to associate things you love with anxiety or dread. i feel like sometimes i’m not even reacting to an intrusive thought anymore, but rather anticipating the anxiety that might come with one. it’s almost like ocd makes you question why you’re feeling a certain way instead of just allowing yourself to enjoy the moment. and then the guilt and shame come out of nowhere, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. i’ve also experienced that fear of going crazy when my anxiety gets really intense, so i completely understand what you mean. i hate that we both experience this, but it really is comforting talking to somebody who understands it firsthand.

_morgana_

Date posted: 17h

@breaunna omg, YES to all of this! i def resonate with this so much. my ocd makes me even question if what i experience is ocd after all, or if it is just real anxiety or dread that i align with, and when it’s bad i almost feel tempted to put my hobbies down because i won’t stop spiraling when engaging in them. sometimes i have thoughts passing by that suggest that ill go crazy if i keep enjoying a hobby and that i actually don’t have ocd but im a special case with extreme treatment resistance. It’s so tough! but im glad that there are so many people who we can connect with and find community within.

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